Adolescence ↔ Юность
- I Have Grown Fond of Suffering - My First Exile (Первая ссылка)
- I Have Grown Fond of Suffering - Adolescence (Юность)
- I Have Grown Fond of Suffering (Я полюбил страдание)
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Please, translate if you can! We have only 1 and a half chapters translated for now! Natasha Brown (talk) 12:43, 16 January 2014 (UTC)
1. My father was a very devout Catholic, he always went to church and prayed a lot at home. He was a person of surprisingly pure soul. Nobody could see anything bad in him, and everybody trusted him, though in his trade he had been surrounded by dishonest people. As our wider family were Orthodox they were a little distant towards him on account of him being Catholic.
2. My mother prayed at home assiduously, but apparently never went to church. Her indignation with regard to the greed and the quarrels of priests, as she saw it, was the reason for her absence. My two brothers - lawyers - did not show any religious leanings. However, they always carried the Shroud and kissed it, as always happened on Easter morning service. My elder sister who was a student, was shaken by horror of the catastrophe on Hodynsky field, became mentally ill and threw herself out of a third floor window. Having received serious injuries of the hip, humeral bone and ruptured kidneys she developed nephritis, which she subsequently died from, having lived only twenty five years. My younger sister who hitherto is well, is a fine and very pious woman.
3. I didn't receive a religious upbringing from my family, but if it were possible to speak about hereditary religiousness, I inherited it mainly from very devout father.
4. From childhood I had a passion for drawing, and at the same time as I finished grammar school I entered the Kiev art school in which I showed considerable ability in art, and exhibited in one of the mobile exhibitions a small picture representing an old beggar-man, standing with an outstretched hand. The inclination to painting in me was so strong that upon termination of a grammar school I decided to go to the Petersburg Academy of Arts.
5. Nevertheless during my entrance examinations I got a doubt whether I was choosing a right path in my life. Short fluctuations have come to an end the decision that I not in the right to be engaged in that is pleasant to me, but am obliged to be engaged in that is useful for suffering people. I sent the telegramme to my mother from the Academy about my desire to enter the medical faculty, but all vacancies had already been occupied, and I was suggested to enter the natural faculty planning to pass to the medical faculty later. I refused it, as I had a big dislike for natural sciences, while having pronounced interest to humanitarian sciences, in particular to divinity, philosophy and history. Therefore I have preferred to arrive on faculty of law and within a year with interest studied history and legal philosophy, political economy and the Roman right.
6. But a year later me again has invincibly entailed to painting. I have gone to Munich where has arrived in private art school of professor Knirr. However in three weeks the homesickness has uncontrollably entailed me home, I have left to Kiev and still year with group of companions strenuously was engaged in drawing and painting.
7. At this time for the first time my religiousness was showed. I every day, and sometimes and twice a day went in Kievo-Pecherskuju to Laurels, often happened in the Kiev temples and, coming back therefrom, did sketches of that saw in Monastery and temples. I have made many sketches, sketches and sketches of praying people, лаврских the pilgrims coming there for one thousand of versts and then there was already that direction of art activity in which I would work if has not left painting. I would follow Vasnetsov and Nesterov [artists] since the general religious direction was already brightly defined in my painting activities. By this time I have clearly understood process of art creativity. Everywhere: in streets and in trams, on the areas and markets - I observed all strongly pronounced lines of persons, figures, movements and after returning home all sketched it. At an exhibition at the Kiev art school has received the award for these sketches.
8. For the rest after my work I walked one or two versts (kilometers) every day along the coast of Dnieper river, on road strenuously reflecting on rather difficult theological and philosophical questions. These my reflexions, of course, left nothing, for I had no scientific preparation.
9. During the same time I have passionately taken a great interest in Leo Tolstoy's ethical doctrine and became, it is possible to tell, inveterate Tolstoy's follower: slept on a floor on a carpet, and in the summer, leaving on a summer residence, mowed a grass and a rye together with peasants, without lagging behind them. However I was Tolstoy's follower not for long, only till that time when I have read its forbidden composition published abroad "My faith", caused a sharp repulsion in me by his mockery at Orthodox faith. I understood at once that Tolstoy was a heretic staying very far from true Christianity.
'10. [In the Soviet documents it is said that the Great church was blown up by Germans. Actually it not so. It has been mined by Red Army at deviation by a mine of the slowed down action. Germans unsuccessfully tried to clear of mines Great church, but could not make it. There was an explosion.
11. Actually Germans, trying to win popularity and trust, with rare exception, did not touch orthodox temples. On the contrary, numerous cases of opening are known for Germans of churches. On the other hand, the relation of godless political leaders of Red Army to national relics is known.
12. One eyewitness, abbot Misael, testifies: "When Germans have receded from our village near Volokolamsk already on some tens kilometers, there has arrived a car with Red Army sappers. They have gone at once to a temple. They were digging and making prospect holes for a long time, carried any boxes. In four o'clock in the morning explosion was heard. Beautiful ancient temple has turned to a heap of ruins. The car has left at once. Next day to inhabitants of village it has been declared that a temple have blown up... Germans". Probably, there was a private instruction on destruction of temples in the areas released from Germans.'
14. I developed the right conception of the Christ's doctrine shortly before it from assiduous reading of all New testament which, on kind old custom, I had received from the director of a grammar school at delivery to me of the school-leaving certificate as a parting word in a life. Very many places of this Sacred Book remaining at me of ten of years, have made upon me the deepest impression. They have been noted by a red pencil.
15. But nothing could be compared on huge force of impression to that place of the Gospel in which Jesus, pointing to the fields of ripened wheat to His pupils, has told them: The harvest truly is plenteous, but the laborers are few. So, ask the Mister of a harvest that has sent makers for The harvest [to Mf. 9; 37]. My heart has literally trembled in me and I have silently exclaimed: "Oh Lord my God! If Thou really have few laborers?!" Many years later, when the Lord has called me to be the maker on His field, I have been assured that this evangelical text was the first call of God to me to serve Him.
16. So has passed this strange enough year. It would be possible to arrive on medical faculty, but again I took meditation of Narodniks (peopleism) kind, and on youthful fervor I have decided that it is necessary as soon as possible to start useful practical work for the simple people. Thoughts to become the medical assistant or the rural teacher were wandering in my mind, and in this mood I have gone once to the director of national schools of the Kiev educational district with the request to arrange me in one of schools. The director has appeared the clever and acute person: it has well estimated mine народнические aspirations, but very vigorously me dissuaded that I started, and convinced to arrive on medical faculty.
17. It corresponded to my aspirations to be useful to peasants so badly supplied with medical aid, but (almost) aversion I had for natural sciences stood across the road. Nevertheless I overcame this disgust and joined the medical faculty of the Kiev university.
18. When I studied physics, chemistry, mineralogy, I had almost physical sensation that I violently force a brain to work as that is alien to it. The brain, precisely compressed rubber sphere, aspired to push out the alien content. Nevertheless, I studied on excellent marks and have unexpectedly extremely become interested in anatomy. I studied bones, drew houses built from clay, and the препаровкой corpses at once has attracted attention of all companions and the professor of anatomy. Already on the second year my companions have unanimously decided that I will be the professor of anatomy, and their prophecy has come true. In twenty years I really became the professor of topographical anatomy and operative surgery.
19. On a third year I have passionately taken a great interest in studying of operations on corpses. There was an interesting evolution of my abilities: ability to draw very sharply and my love to the shapes have passed to love to anatomy and a thin artwork at anatomic препаровке and at operations on corpses. From the unfortunate artist I became the artist in anatomy and surgery.
20. On a third year I have unexpectedly been selected by the head. It happens so: before one lecture I have learnt that one of companions at the rate - the Pole has given a slap in the face other companion - the Jew. Upon termination of lecture I have risen and have asked attention. All have fallen silent. I have said the passionate speech convicting an ugly act of the student-Pole. I spoke about the higher norms of morals, about transferring of insults, have recollected the great Socrat, easy concerned to that its quarrelsome wife has poured out to it on a head a pot of dirty water. This speech has made so big impression that they unanimously elected me to be the headman.
21. I handed over graduation examinations excellent, on one five, and the professor of the general surgery has told to me at examination: "the Doctor, you know now much more, than I for you perfectly know all departments of medicine, and I much have forgotten that does not concern directly my specialty".
22. Only at examination in medical chemistry (now it is called as biochemistry) I have received a 'three' mark. I answered perfectly at theoretical examination, but it was necessary to make still urine research. As it, unfortunately, was in custom, the attendant of laboratory has told students for money what it is necessary to 'detect' in the first flask and a test tube, and I knew that the urine I had to test, contained sugar. However due to a small error Trommer's reaction didn't pass, and when the professor, without looking at me, asked: "Well, what have you found there?" - I could tell that I found sugar, but instead I told that Trommer's reaction hadn't detected sugar.
23. This sole 'three' mark did not prevent me to receive a diploma of a doctor with a Honours Degree.
24. When all of us have received diplomas, companions have at the rate asked me, than I intend to be engaged. When I have answered that I have intention to be a rural physician, they with widely open eyes have told: "As, you will be a rural physician?! After all you the scientist by vocation!" I have been offended by that they at all don't understand me for I studied medicine with the exclusive purpose to become a rural, rustic doctor for all my life, to help poor people.