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Twelve Chairs

Carnival Night Карнавальная ночь
Hello, I'm Your Aunt Здравствуйте, я ваша тётя
Jolly Fellows Весёлые ребята
Moscow-Cassiopeia Москва - Кассиопея
... further results

Part 1


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In the summer of 1927 at 11:30 from the north-west side of Chmarovka village

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a young man entered Stargorod.
-Hey, uncle, give me 10 copecks, won't ya?

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Uncle, give me 10 cents,
I'm telling you.

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Shall I also give you a key to a flat with money in it?

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No...

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The young man lied. He had neither money, nor a key, nor an apartment .

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He didn't have anything. His name was Ostap Bender.

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What's the matter? Who are you?

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Is anything wrong with me?

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-You know it very well yourself.
- Should we come inside the store then?

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So we could talk about it there.
- We'll talk about it somewhere else.

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Allow me to light a cigarette.

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So what, father, a fiance is needed in your city? Are there any brides-to-be?

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00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:01,074
-Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
-Are there some brides in this house?

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-We have state almshouse in here. Only old women. On full pension.

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Those who were born before the historical materialism?

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Pops, it wouldn't be bad to drink a little wine?
Your treat. Please.

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-So, I'll stay over with you
-You may live all your life here since you're a good person.

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But what was here before the old regime? A gentleman lived. Ippolit Matvyeyevich Vorobyaninov.

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Bourgeois? You're bourgeois.
A marshal of the nobility.

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-you mean proletarian?
-you're proletarian yourself. You were told: the leader.

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Chief of city police saluted him.

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For example, ypu come to congratulate him with New Year, he gives you 3 rubles.

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îê on Easter - 3 more rubles.

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I was promised a medal.

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He said as much: you Tihon, can consider yourself already having a medal.

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But he didn't have time.

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-So today one may get a medal for the yards cleaning?
-Of course.

29
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I'm going!

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Gentleman!
From Paris!

31
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Hello, Tihon. I'm not from Paris at all.
Where did you get this idea?

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It's not Paris, but wellcome to our hut!

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- Actually, I'm not from Paris.
- Well. You came from Kologriva,

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to visit your late granny

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- My surname is Bender. Have you heard that?
- No, I haven't.

36
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Well, how one in Paris may know name

37
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Ostap-Suleiman-Berta-Maria-Benderbei.
- Berta-Maria ... What a nonsence.

38
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I came not from Paris.
- Wonderful, wonderful. From Morshansk.

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Is it warm in Paris right now?
- You know, I'll better go.

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There's no need for you to hurry. GPU will come for you itself.

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- I don't understand you.
- But you will understand it now. Sit down.

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00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:43,236
- Which border have you crossed?
Polish, Finnish or Romanian?

43
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I swear, I'm a Soviet citizen. I will show you my passport.

44
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With modern progress of typography to make a Soviet passport is nothing.

45
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So, A: we have an emigrant, came from Paris to native city.

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B: The emigrant is afraid that he will be taken.
- I'm not a emigrant!

47
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And who are you?
Why do you come here?

48
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- I came here for a business!
- What kind of business?

49
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- Personal business!
- Huh! Personal business!

50
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And after that you say that you're not an emigrant!

51
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-Well, you'll confess yourself or will go on denying?
- Ok.

52
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After all, it is hard being without an assistant - Ippolit Matveevich thought,

53
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and seems he is a great cheater. Such one might be helpful.

54
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Alright, I will tell you everything.

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In the district N, where former leader of nobility worked in registry office,

56
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there so many hairdresser's and undertaker's offices, so it seemed

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that citisens were only born to have a shave, to have their hairs cut and to die at once.

58
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Yeah, quick, she's dying!

59
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Shrived. Pure soul. Be strong, Ippolit Matveevich.

60
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-Ippolit!
-Come, come!

61
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I must reveal an important secret to you.

62
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- Do you remember our lounge suit of furniture in Stargorod? - I remember it perfectly.

63
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A sofa, a dozen chairs.
- I sewed up some diamonds inside the seat of one chair.

64
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Didn't they take those away then,
during the search?

65
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I hid the brilliants into the chair.
Yours brilliants?

66
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:06,834
So why didn't you give them to me?
- How could I give you the diamonds

67
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after your wasting my daughter's estate?

68
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Full up a chair with a brilliants for 70 thousands!
A chair everyone can sit on!

69
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Those evening bells! Those evening bells!

70
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How many a tale...
- Fedya!

71
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Oh, what have you done to yourself?

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Listen to me carefully. But not a word to anybody!

73
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I shrived mother-in-law Vorobiyaninov and she confided to me that in Stargorod

74
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in their house, in one of the drawing-room chairs diamonds are hidden.

75
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Theses diamonds she entrusted to me!
-To you?
-To me!

76
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Soon we will start life afresh and will run our candle works and something else.

77
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Diamonds!

78
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I will find them, be sure to find them!

79
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The stones are chosen with taste. I think all that jazz is worth about 150 thousand.

80
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Is it so much?
No less!

81
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- But you better spit on that all.
- How can I spit? - With your saliva. It will come to nothing.

82
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Your set of chairs burnt in the stove long ago.

83
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Relax! I am the one getting down to business.

84
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By the way, we should conclude a treaty.
If the treasure selling

85
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I get 60 percent as technical director

86
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- That's daylight robbery!
- And you, how much you planned to offer?

87
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- 5 percent at least, 10 at best.
- Do you want me to work for free

88
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an give you the key to the apartment where money lies?

89
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In that case I have reasons to think that I can do the affair alone.

90
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Then I have no less reasons to think

91
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that and I can do your affair.
- Fraud!

92
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:50,395
Hey you, monsieur from Paris, do you know that your diamonds

93
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are almost in my pocket and I am interested in you only

94
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because I want to take care of your old-age days.

95
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- 20 percent!
- Oh yes, and full board.
- 25!
- And the key to the appartament?

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30 percent!
Well,well!

97
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,397
Out of respect for your noble birth

98
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I'm ready to work for some miserable 40 percent.

99
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But that's 60 thousand!

100
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You're a pretty worthless person.
You like money more than you should.

101
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And you don't like it?
No!

102
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And what do you want 60 thousand for then?
On principle?

103
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-Well, things have started moving?
-you're cheater!
-What?

104
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Things have started moving, sirs jurymen, I will command the parade!

105
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Good morning marshal!
There is good news...

106
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the first chair is found.
Oh my God!

107
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The chair is here in your old apartments.

108
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Finish your morning toilet and let's start.

109
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I'm ready!

110
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What, are you crazy?
And what's the matter?

111
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Take a look!

112
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My God! What the heck is it?

113
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I was assured that this ink is dark black. Contraband!

114
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All contraband is being done in Odessa on Deribasovskaya str.

115
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O my God!What to do?

116
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,516
We will recolour it. Ink "Nadia",

117
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dye your hair in amazing chestnut colour.

118
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Impressive! Simple and tasteful.

119
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But I don't recommend living in Soviet
Russia with this type of hair like yours. - Why not?

120
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- It'll have to be shaved off!
- That's impossible!

121
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-Then sit all your life in yard cleaner's lodge and I will go for the chairs.
-Shave it!

122
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- You owe to me 2 rubles for haircut and shaving.
- Why so expensively? They take 40 copecks everywhere.

123
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For confidentiality, comrade field marshal.

124
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The nervous ones don't watch.

125
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The Head of the 2nd Stargorod retirement home
was a timid thief.

126
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All his feelings were against stealing, but he had to steal.

127
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He was stealing and felt shame. He was stealing constantly and was constantly ashamed.

128
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There is no such a burglar under the sun as Aleksander Jakovlevich.

129
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As though heart awaken fearfully

130
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I feel sorry for what I has lived...

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-Descants quiet!

132
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-Who is in charge in here?
-what's the point, my friend?

133
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Is that a songs of nationalities?
Interesting. I'm Fire Department Inspector.

134
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Well, let's look the place.
- You're welcome!

135
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-Does one lights primus stove in this room?
-No, no!

136
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-Ovens and other stuff?
-No,no!

137
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-This is our bedroom.
-ok.

138
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:32,711
Are the chimneys cleaned out regularly?
The stoves are alright? - Absolutely alright!

139
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,394
- What is that? A new party of old ladies?
- These are orphans.

140
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,669
The heavy legacy of the past tsarism.

141
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,157
Mister inspector, will you dine with us, take pot-luck?

142
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That day they took pot-luck with bottle of vodka, home-made mushrooms,

143
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black caviar, forshmak, ukranian borsch,

144
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a chicken with rice, fruits and so on.

145
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- To your communal services!
-Thank you!

146
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,752
Why there is such a poor stock in your public house?

147
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One can't even sit with comfort?
-Why can't?

148
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:38,954
In the red corner there is an english chair, people say it was left fronm the previous furniture.

149
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This morning the chair was here.
Where could it vanish?

150
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,872
It's sad, girls.

151
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In your economy the chairs are lost in very mysterious way

152
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- It's just ridiculous.
- I'll look in the bedrooms.

153
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One my friend also sold the state furniture

154
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,637
Your baseless charges are very weird to me.

155
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:13,557
- Hey you, victim of abortion, whom have you sold the chair to?

156
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,037
Here Pasha, had supernatural feeling, figure out,

157
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that he will be bitten. May be even with legs.

158
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,550
I had seen him for the first time.

159
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- For the first time? - I swear!
- Sure?

160
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I would have bitten you in your mug, but Zaratustra doesn't allow me.

161
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Go to hell!

162
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,592
Just a minute!

163
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:56,236
What? Giving bribe to the public officer during discharge of his proffesional duties.

164
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That's article 114 of the Criminal Law.
Disgrace!

165
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- Rob!
- Excuse me!

166
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,269
- Father...
- Ippolit Matveyevich!

167
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So it's you, God father, who is hunting for my property. Very nice.

168
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,432
-It isn't your property! -And whose then?
-It is nationalized! - By whom?

169
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,717
- By the authority of the workers.
-Oh, by the authority of workers and peasant?

170
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:22,030
-May be you belong to the party, god father?
-May be!

171
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:02,077
Well, did you find? You are a cheater!

172
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:07,750
I will whack you in the mug, father Fedor!
- No way!

173
00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:16,148
The future of all business is decided this evening, green and cold.

174
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:20,070
If only we can get orders to furniture of vorobianinov, on which it was allocated,

175
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:22,914
the affair may be considred succeeded.

176
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:29,755
I want to find something from father's furniture to keep the memory about him.

177
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,879
Don't you know to whom was the furniture from father's house allocated?

178
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:42,353
It's a very complicated case, only a well-to-do man will be able to cope with it.

179
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,919
Get to the point-as Gi de Moppasan used to say. The information will be paid.

180
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-70 rubles. - Agree. Money against orders. When can I take them?

181
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:56,672
Money with you?
Then even now. Welcome.

182
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:05,590
- A full set of records at home!
- A complete set. Just in case.

183
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:08,993
We're living like on a volcano.
Anything can happen.

184
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:14,475
The people will rush searching for their furniture's, and where are those furniture's? Here they are.

185
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:20,473
And who has taken care of it? Korobeynikov has.
So those gentlemen will say thank you to the little old man.

186
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:25,471
And I don't want much. A ten per order and that's all.

187
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:32,080
Here are the orders. All the furniture of your good old father is here.

188
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:38,152
You're a real Hero Of Labour. You deserve a monument to be erected not by human hands.

189
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,677
- May I make out a receipt?
- You may. Make it out.

190
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:53,749
Perhaps you'd like Madame Popov's furniture? It's very good.

191
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,916
No, thank you.

192
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,748
I won't burden you any more with my presence.

193
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:10,192
- What about the money? - What money?
Did I hear you say something about money?

194
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- Of course! For the furniture, for the orders!
- Oh, a sweetheart chum!

195
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I swear by my late father'honor but
I forgot to draw any from my current account.

196
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:32,908
Be quiet now, a champion of an idea! I'm telling ya
tomorrow means tomorrow. Write to me!

197
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:40,597
Never before had Korobeinikov been so wretchedly deceived.

198
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:46,473
He could deceive anyone he liked, but now
he had been cheated at his best business,

199
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from which he expected great profits and a secure old age.

200
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:58,591
I humbly apologize, could you tell me the way to a citizen Korobeinikov?

201
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:02,517
- I am, Korobeinikov.
- I have a humble request to you.

202
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,158
I'm Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov's brother, we're kin.

203
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,391
Things have started moving!

204
00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:17,672
Well, I have an order of your brother's chairs set.

205
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:23,351
One hundred rubels! And I'd like the money first!

206
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:30,719
- Is it good enough in golden coins?
- Will do.

207
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:44,875
Those evening bells! Those evening bells!

208
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:49,710
What if I give him an order to the set of general Popov's wife.

209
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:55,793
- Here, it is.
- Are they all in one place? - All of them!

210
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:02,433
Comrade Bruns, resident of 34 Vineyard Street.

211
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,432
All of them are there, one-to-one.
A splendid Hambs' suite.

212
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:12,150
- Thank you very much.
-You're welcome. Be careful.

213
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:22,475
-I have paid 70 rubles for these orders.
-How much? - 70

214
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:29,428
Concessioners should be equal in sharing the expenditure.

215
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:36,232
First order on 10 chairs is given to the museum of furniture art in Moscow.

216
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:43,352
Second - on 1 chair is given to madam Gricacueva, widow of disabled

217
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:48,276
imperial war veteran. Stargorod, Plehanov street, 15.

218
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:49,873
Let's start with the widow.
-Yes, yes

219
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,560
Waiting for you in the lobby.

220
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:03,753
If sweet girls could fly like birds...

221
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:09,432
Never would I bend, always would I admire them!

222
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:15,591
Would be happier then other twigs...
...vesper chimes,

223
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:23,679
How many a tale
their music tells, bom-bom.

224
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:34,989
- Good morning, Father.
- Good morning, Ippolit Matveyevich.

225
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:40,634
I hope I didn't hurt you at our last meeting?

226
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:44,594
Not at all, it was very pleasant to see you.

227
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:51,631
- I guess, you don't serve masses anymore?
- Hardly ever!

228
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:59,718
The parishioners have all run off in search of treasure.
- Their own treasure, mark you. Their own!

229
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:03,316
I don't know whose it is, but only they're looking for it.

230
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:16,870
A-a! A competing enterprise!
Buying old stuff, ya godly cliric.

231
00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,189
What would you like?

232
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,558
I'd like to sell you a pair of dead donkey's ears.

233
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:27,515
What? Buying old stuff and stealing new stuff?

234
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,229
And an enemy is running, running, running...

235
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:35,953
It's you, who's a fool!

236
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:46,310
How much is opium for the people?

237
00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:59,034
Hello!

238
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,834
Sanitary inspection!

239
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:11,953
Doctor Mihelson, Konrad Karlovich.

240
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:17,630
So, let's inspect premises.
Beg you, please

241
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:26,076
I'm telling you, it's him, without moustaches.He is the image of Vorobyaninov.

242
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,432
And there's a handsome man with him,
definitely a former officer.

243
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:35,238
-Why is he here, how do you think?
-Not for signing documents with bolsheviks!

244
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:41,229
-He is running the danger!
-And who isn't now?

245
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:45,036
Moustache, my darling, is never shaved off for free.

246
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,679
He has been sended from abroad.
Absolutely.

247
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,197
- But what purpose is he here for?
- Don't be a child!

248
00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:01,472
Ah, they've faded, ah, so long ago

249
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:07,637
chrysanthemum in the garden, and love ...

250
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:15,875
Victor Mikhalovich, I have to meet him!

251
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:21,715
- Do you realize what you risk with?
- Whatever, after 10 years of separation

252
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:27,069
I can't miss a chance to see him.
I'm asking you, I'm begging you, bring him here.

253
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:39,919
Where the buffaloes run among the pampas
And the sunsets are above the baobabs like blood

254
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,876
The sullen pirate lived,
In the wilds of the Amazon,

255
00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:48,637
The pirate, who didn't believe in love.

256
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:55,634
But once, after a bombardment,
After a terrible battle he was going home,

257
00:33:56,440 --> 00:34:02,436
Slim figure of chocolate colour
Waved from the shore.

258
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:08,030
Where love is,
Where love is,

259
00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:18,917
There's always bloodshed.

260
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:25,870
The girl was standing like a statue and
The pirate rushed to send his ship to her

261
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:32,471
And he fell in love with her and called her
A bird in the branches of his soul.

262
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:41,152
But once, at night, he saw a young cowboy with slim Creole on the sand

263
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:48,515
And with one bullet he killed them both
And with anguish he walked along the shore.

264
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,840
And when towards morning, was crying of creole

265
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,712
He understood that the passion in his heart he couldn't suppress,

266
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:16,239
He shot at himself to stop forever

267
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,397
A bird in the branches of his soul!

268
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:40,075
I swear on my honour that felt something strong under me. They are there.

269
00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:42,392
The chair must be stolen tonight.

270
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:49,239
For the chiefleader of noblemen you have too narrow-range

271
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:52,913
It's a scummy trick to rob a poor widow.

272
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,716
- It's just wanna get it quickly.
- Only cats are born quickly.

273
00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:00,117
To dig in the chair unhurriedly I'll marry her.

274
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,473
- Marry her?
- Why not? A passionate woman. A poet's dream.

275
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:10,394
- Good evening, Ippolit Matveyevich.
- Don't have the honour to know you.

276
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:14,276
- What do you want to tell my friend?
- Don't worry.

277
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:18,555
I'm here for Elena Stanislavovna.
- What, is she here?

278
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:22,237
- She is and she wants to see you.

279
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:27,669
- Pardon me. A woman you know?
- An old acquaintance.

280
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:32,397
Why don't we go have a dinner with an old acquaintance?
I'm roaring hungry.

281
00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:37,191
- Why not.
- Lead us on, mysterious stranger.

282
00:36:38,720 --> 00:36:43,430
- We'll keep it all top secret.
- Secret? - Top secret.

283
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,680
- I know you risked a lot,
having come to me.

284
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:52,037
I'm not asking why you came from Paris.
- But I didn't come from Paris, I...

285
00:36:53,720 --> 00:36:58,475
My colleague and I came from Berlin but it mustn't be spoken aloud.

286
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:04,829
By the way, there is a strange custom in Berlin,

287
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:10,675
people eat there so late, so one can't understand whether it is early supper or late dinner?

288
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:17,829
Now let's work.

289
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:21,314
The old woman is reliable, isn't she, and won't give us away?

290
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:26,395
- What's your political credo? - Always!
- Russia will not forget you!

291
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:35,757
Madame, a state secret.
Who do you think this powerful old man is?

292
00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:42,439
Don't say it, you can't know it.
He's a giant mind, the father of Russian democracy.

293
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,118
and a person close to the emperor!

294
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:52,389
- Are there many of our people in town? What are the moods?
- In presence of their absence, I'd say...

295
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,234
With your help, we'll get in contact with the best people in town,

296
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:59,796
those fated to go underground.
Who else can we invite?

297
00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:07,355
The former Town's Duma speaker, Charushnikov.

298
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:16,917
- Which regiment were you in?
- I wasn't, so to speak, in any.

299
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:19,111
- Are you a nobleman?
- Yes, formerly.

300
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:23,991
- I hope, you still remain it.
- Stand firm, the world abroad will help us.

301
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,275
Strictly confidential. Stay alert.

302
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:35,110
Stand firm! We will be helped from abroad.

303
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:42,794
Chaps, are you members of the upper class? Very good.
The West will help us. Stand firm!

304
00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:50,193
Contributions, I mean, the organization will be strictly secret. Be careful!
The secret Alliance of the Sword, and what-d'ye-call-it? Ploughshare!

305
00:38:56,840 --> 00:39:00,879
The chairman of Odessa bread-roll artel "Moscow bread-rings" mister Kislyarskii.

306
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:14,031
- Which regiment were you in?
- Sorry, I wasn't in the army.

307
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,590
- Are you a nobleman? - Yes, I'm.
- Yes? - No, I'm not.

308
00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:20,396
- Yes or No?
- I don't know, as it will be pleased for you.

309
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:24,350
Being a representative of private capital you can't stay deaf to the moan of people.

310
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,231
- I can't.
- Stand firm.

311
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:34,276
- Do you know who that is sitting there?
- I'm afraid to make a mistake, but it's Pussy Vorobyaninov.

312
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:38,954
- Pussy? - Yes.
- What a pussy for ya? It's the master-mind,

313
00:39:40,720 --> 00:39:44,190
the father of Russian democracy and a person close to the emperor.

314
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:48,430
The secret Alliance of "the Sword and Ploughshare!"
- Oh, my God!

315
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:51,149
- You can leave, by the way.
- I'd better leave.

316
00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:56,514
But I warn you, we have a long reach.
- In that case, I'd better stay.

317
00:40:03,720 --> 00:40:08,157
- Stand firm! Stand firm!
- Okey.

318
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:17,756
Citizen, I'm not going to talk about the aim of our gathering,
you all know it. Our aim is sacred.

319
00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:22,995
From everywhere we hear cries.
From every corner of our huge country.

320
00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:30,475
Some of you have work and eat bread and butter
others eat caviar sandwiches,

321
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:39,358
the others get food-rations. It's only
the waifs who are not looked after.

322
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:45,270
We must help them, gentlemen of the jury, and, we will do so.

323
00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:50,076
Immediate help is required.
Children are the flowers of life.

324
00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:55,673
Please, I invite you make your contributions to help the children.

325
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:59,999
Only children, but no one else.
Do you understand me?

326
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,357
Make your contributions in order of seniority, gentlemen

327
00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:11,035
We'll begin with dear Maxim Petrovich.
- In better times I'd give more.

328
00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:18,471
Better times will soon be coming, anyway,
that has nothing to do with the children I'm presenting here

329
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:10,239
500 roubles in all.
Gentlemen, children will remember you!

330
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:16,999
You will be given special notice of the date of our next meeting.
Braking up one-by-one

331
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:22,358
- It's strictly confidential!
- Yes, sir!

332
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:26,076
The cause of helping children must be kept secret.
It's also in your own interests, by the way.

333
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:31,438
We not gonna surrender alive.

334
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:32,951
Kiss the bride! Kiss the bride!

335
00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:56,190
Kiss the bride! Kiss the bride!

336
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:11,998
Comrade Bender, what's the matter?

337
00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:20,348
- Nothing, my chicken, your cock is healthy.
- Cock!

338
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:33,230
You're mad. You will spoil everything.
Give me the chair.

339
00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:37,839
-Mister Bender, why aren't you coming?
-I'm coming, my henny.

340
00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:46,950
Go to the guests, my chicken, your cock will come soon.

341
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:53,278
There's nothing here.

342
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:10,957
Nothing.

343
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:16,116
You don't know how to behave in polite society

344
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:20,428
You've broken my family life.

345
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:24,675
Comrade Bender, where are you?

346
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:27,552
Into the window!

347
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:30,159
I am coming!

348
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,599
Your ground squirrel flies to his henny on the wings of love.

349
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:50,993
Wait a moment, where is father Fedor, where is that treasure hunter and the enemy of Ippolit Matveevich?

350
00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:58,070
Father Fedor wished the wealth very much. Devil turned his head

351
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:05,509
and he was being dashed off after the furniture suite of the general Popov's wife all across Rassia, in which he could find nothing.

352
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:09,749
Father travels across Russia and only writes letters to his wife.

353
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:14,676
My sweet Katia.My travel is not so short, as we thought.

354
00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:20,872
Engineer Bruns moved from Stargorod to Harkov, then to Rostov, where to I'm going.

355
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:31,675
Be patient and having prayed sell my old cassock,

356
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,916
decide yourself what to sell of furniture.

357
00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:49,278
A huge grief stroke me while admiring the wonderful scenery out of the window.

358
00:46:51,160 --> 00:46:56,029
Peaked cap was blown off my head. Peaked cap was blown off!

359
00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:02,676
The concessionaires arrived in the capital
at 11 o'clock sharp by Moscow mean time.

360
00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:07,719
- Where did we get to, by the way?
- To visit nice people. There are masses of them in Moscow.

361
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:11,077
And they're all my friends.
Ask you to come, marshal.

362
00:47:12,080 --> 00:47:17,234
It was a notorious students' hostel
named after a monk Berthold Schwartz.

363
00:47:17,680 --> 00:47:22,071
It used to be the accommodation of chamist-students there,
but now the hostel reminds

364
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:27,559
something between a housing co-operative and a feudal settlement.

365
00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:31,518
Are you there, Nicky?

366
00:47:32,080 --> 00:47:36,551
That fool's guests have arrived too early again!
Perhaps it's the militia.

367
00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:40,998
Comrads, Be quiet, can't you!
let a fellow sleep.

368
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:44,556
Yes, I'm in. Come on in!

369
00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:53,832
Hi there! Come in! As you see, I'm married. It's Liza.

370
00:47:55,600 --> 00:48:00,071
- Nicky, may I ask you for a minute?
- A splendid morning, madam.

371
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:03,358
There is nothing splendid here, after all!

372
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:07,872
- Don't be surprised! It's from the corner room,
due to audibility here...

373
00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:15,150
I'll give you the key to Ivanopulo's room.
He left for detached service half a year ago.

374
00:48:17,000 --> 00:48:21,073
Nice option. Key to the apartment where money will lie.

375
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:28,276
- Come and visit us!
- As though they didn't have enough visitors!

376
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:56,798
What did that student do with the matress?

377
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:02,079
Should have sold the skeleton before the mattress.
Where are you, marshal? Come in.

378
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:24,032
- Pardon me, but where are we going to sleep?
- We'll make ourselves pretty comfortable.

379
00:49:40,080 --> 00:49:43,231
Pay no attention. It's Ivanopulo's property.

380
00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:51,875
Now, quick rest and then we'll head to the museum of furniture.
By the way, here's your share,

381
00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:56,957
a person close to the emperor. 200 rubels here.

382
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:03,230
No need recount again. You aren't in a church. You won't be cheated.

383
00:50:07,160 --> 00:50:10,391
A souvenir. A keepsake about madam Grizazueva.

384
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:13,837
What? A passionate woman. A poet's dream.

385
00:50:37,360 --> 00:50:39,954
Won't go to the vegetarian canteen.

386
00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:43,756
I can't eat a mock hare made of carrot and pea sausages

387
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:49,632
So you prefere meat of poor aminals to vegetarian food! - Food!

388
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:57,790
At first time for 3 months of matrimonial' life
Nicky realized his spouse doesn't like

389
00:50:58,440 --> 00:51:02,513
vegetarian meal which he has no special liking by himself.

390
00:51:04,400 --> 00:51:08,473
But their family budget wouldn't sustain meat consumption.

391
00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:15,911
- My dear girl! All diseases come from meat!
- I don't care!

392
00:51:16,480 --> 00:51:19,870
An organism, weakened by meat, can't fight
infection!

393
00:51:21,920 --> 00:51:27,870
All the happy families resemble each other, each unhappy one is unhappy in its own way.

394
00:51:29,440 --> 00:51:33,069
Leo Tolstoy, 'Anna Karenina', volume one.

395
00:51:33,600 --> 00:51:37,878
- Even Leo Tolstoy didn't eat meat.
- He did, when he was writing "War and Peace"! He did!

396
00:51:38,120 --> 00:51:41,317
Devoured it when writing "Anna Karenina"!
Lots of it!

397
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:45,712
Don't interfere in our private life!
Why do you keep nagging me about your Tolstoy, anyway?"

398
00:51:46,200 --> 00:51:48,668
- Me? To you?

399
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:54,954
- Where are you going? I'm asking,
where are you going?

400
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:59,158
- Farewell, you moron!
- Lisa!

401
00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:03,710
Voises: She's gone to drown herself.
Hardly ever, to buy a sausage.

402
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:06,269
Liza, come back!

403
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:23,832
- So, what can you see in front of you?
- A bed. - Right, some furniture, to be exact

404
00:52:24,640 --> 00:52:30,317
- What does this furniture represent? The enourmous nonlabour income

405
00:52:30,640 --> 00:52:35,589
that corrupt aristocrats had.
Young lady, don't touch the museum furniture.

406
00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:46,116
Only the sick fantasy of stagnating upper classes
could produce a bedroom set

407
00:52:46,560 --> 00:52:50,553
of this size.
No need to say that ordinary people

408
00:52:50,880 --> 00:52:55,954
have nothing to do on such beds.
Nothing funny about it.

409
00:52:56,520 --> 00:52:59,239
- May I come closer?
- You may, but don't touch it.

410
00:53:09,160 --> 00:53:12,311
What the hell, it's the last room,
and still no sign of them.

411
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:16,870
It's about time for you, marshal, to take electrotherapy course.

412
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:21,193
A chair is not a needle, we'll find it. These ones?
- No.

413
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:25,599
Mister Bender!

414
00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:32,229
-How did you get here?
-By accident.

415
00:53:32,680 --> 00:53:35,513
I quarrelled with my husbend.
-Really?

416
00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:48,438
- Elizaveta... - Petrovna.
- Pleased to meet. Ippolit Matveevich.

417
00:53:52,240 --> 00:53:54,595
-Take a sit.
-Thank you very much.

418
00:54:06,200 --> 00:54:10,751
- Yeah, it's spring in Paris now.
- Have you been to Paris?

419
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:14,511
- More than once
- Are you a scientist?

420
00:54:15,240 --> 00:54:17,959
Yes, to a certain extent. In a manner.

421
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:21,438
Excuse my immodesty,
but how old are you?

422
00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:27,116
This is in no way related to the science I represent.

423
00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:34,637
But still. Thirty? Forty? Fifty?

424
00:54:36,120 --> 00:54:41,114
- Almost. Thirty-eight.
- What you say!

425
00:54:42,160 --> 00:54:48,076
- And you look so much younger.
- You flatter me, mischievous young lady.

426
00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:52,278
How can you explain that the furniture, sent to you by order

427
00:54:52,480 --> 00:54:55,040
is not available?
-What do you mean not available?

428
00:54:57,800 --> 00:54:58,994
What did you say?

429
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:02,511
When will you give me the pleasure of seeing you again?

430
00:55:03,200 --> 00:55:07,716
- Where on earth has comrade Bender got to?
- Why did you mention Bender here! May I today?

431
00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:11,797
- I'm begging you!
- All right. Come over us.

432
00:55:12,480 --> 00:55:16,393
No, let's meet outdoors. It's such a good weather now.

433
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:21,357
This is cheerful May, this is megical Day!
breezing refreshly upon us.

434
00:55:21,560 --> 00:55:23,710
- It's Mayakovskiy's verses.
- Yes, perhaps

435
00:55:24,600 --> 00:55:27,717
- So, you wouldn't mind today?
- How strange you are! - Thank you very much.

436
00:55:30,640 --> 00:55:33,757
We have to leave immediately to some place. Will you excuse us?

437
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:38,872
Until this evening, Elizaveta Petrovna.

438
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:46,990
- What happened?
- Hey, cabman!

439
00:55:56,240 --> 00:55:58,595
To an auction, quickly!

440
00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:14,558
My God! my God! They're the ones! The very ones!

441
00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:24,037
- Please tell me, may I buy these chairs?
- Only tomorrow. Today's trading session is over.

442
00:56:27,920 --> 00:56:30,957
You may consider the chairs belong to us.
Pray kneeling at me.

443
00:56:31,680 --> 00:56:33,989
Wine, ladies, cards you will be provided with.

444
00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:40,079
There were 200 rubles in Vorobyaninov's pocket.

445
00:56:42,120 --> 00:56:46,989
Former society lion decided to impress Liza with a wide range.

446
00:56:53,640 --> 00:56:55,676
Will you please!

447
00:57:32,320 --> 00:57:37,792
- May I ask you for?
- This table isn't being serviced. Take a seat.

448
00:57:43,160 --> 00:57:47,312
Pardon, this table is for foreigners.

449
00:58:11,840 --> 00:58:18,234
Well, I declare! Veal cutlets are 2-25, a fillet is 2-25,
vodka - can you emagine!

450
00:58:20,640 --> 00:58:22,756
Restaurant's extra charge

451
00:58:24,160 --> 00:58:27,232
- Will you please! Would you like please...
- No, I'm not hungry at all.

452
00:58:27,760 --> 00:58:33,517
Or wait, have you anything vegetarian?

453
00:58:35,160 --> 00:58:37,993
- Vegetarian dishes are out of the restaurant's menu.
- So then:

454
00:58:39,120 --> 00:58:45,150
Give us some sausages these ones for 1-20, a bottle of vodka and...it's all.

455
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:50,794
What will you snack with? fresh caviar, smoked salmon,
open-topped pastry, oysters?

456
00:58:52,320 --> 00:58:56,871
- No, don't! How much are the salted gherkins?
- 5 copecks

457
00:58:57,800 --> 00:59:00,360
Fine. Give me, two of them!

458
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:13,832
I've never been here before. It's very lovely here.

459
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:38,275
Would you like?

460
00:59:43,520 --> 00:59:45,750
For lady!

461
01:00:06,680 --> 01:00:09,399
I'm going, and you may stay!

462
01:00:10,760 --> 01:00:13,558
As a nobleman I'm unable to accept it.

463
01:00:18,680 --> 01:00:20,557
Please!

464
01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:38,310
Let's get going to a private room!

465
01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:49,830
Hey waiter, champagne!

466
01:00:52,640 --> 01:00:54,870
fagots

467
01:01:00,000 --> 01:01:01,752
Ñhampagne!

468
01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:08,915
A figurine representing justice.
A bronze one! Let the public see it.

469
01:01:11,240 --> 01:01:14,471
five roubles. Who will give more?
- six!

470
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:24,830
What a great commotion would be if they knew what is in these chairs!

471
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:32,749
9 roubles - one, 9 roubles - two, 9 roubles - three.

472
01:01:39,480 --> 01:01:43,234
The justice is sold. Get the money from 6th row, on the left.

473
01:01:46,680 --> 01:01:52,152
- 10 chairs from a palace!
- Why from a palace? - Sit tight and stay where you are.

474
01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:58,956
- 80 roubles! - 90! 100! 110! 115!

475
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:11,789
120! 125! 130! 145!

476
01:02:15,960 --> 01:02:20,158
145 roubles øò the 5th row on the left - one
145 - two, 145 - three!

477
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:30,514
Two hundred

478
01:02:40,480 --> 01:02:45,998
200 - one, 200 - two, 200 - three. Sold!

479
01:02:47,600 --> 01:02:50,319
- Isn't it spectacular?
- Yes.

480
01:02:52,600 --> 01:02:56,388
- Are you those who bought the chairs?
- We are. When can we take them away?

481
01:02:56,920 --> 01:02:58,638
at once if you like!

482
01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:20,112
- You have 230 rubles to pay.
- Why isn't 200 but 230?

483
01:04:20,840 --> 01:04:23,229
15 per cent commission is included.

484
01:04:23,520 --> 01:04:29,117
There's nothing to do, here you are! I have 200.
Let me have 30 roubles, pal.

485
01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:41,477
- I have no money.
- What? But the 200 rubles?

486
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:49,432
- I've lost it.
- Give me the money, old scum!

487
01:04:51,800 --> 01:04:54,997
- So, are you going to pay?
- Just a minute. Here's a tiny hitch.

488
01:04:57,800 --> 01:05:00,997
We have no idea of any commissions.
You should inform in advance.

489
01:05:01,920 --> 01:05:04,150
I refuse to pay these your 30 rubles!

490
01:05:04,960 --> 01:05:07,394
Fine, I will organize everything.

491
01:05:12,840 --> 01:05:17,914
In accordance with auctioneering regulations, a person
refusing to pay the full sum of money for items purchased

492
01:05:21,400 --> 01:05:26,235
must leave the hall. You're asked to leave!

493
01:05:28,640 --> 01:05:34,670
Oh,yes, the effect was terrific.
A rip-off champion had not suffered such a blow for a long time.

494
01:05:43,240 --> 01:05:47,233
An outrageous system! We should complain to the militia!

495
01:05:50,440 --> 01:05:54,319
No, but really, it's the hell of a thing!
Making the working people pay through the nose.

496
01:05:58,320 --> 01:06:03,235
Honestly! 230 rubles for 10 old chairs. It's mad!

497
01:06:15,720 --> 01:06:20,510
That's for the militia.That's for the high price of chairs for working people of all countries.

498
01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:24,950
That's for going after girls at night. That's for being a dirty old scum.

499
01:06:25,600 --> 01:06:29,309
Now get out of here!

500
01:06:44,080 --> 01:06:47,311
It's all lost now! The chairs are being sold by the piece.

501
01:06:52,280 --> 01:06:54,396
How now?

502
01:07:12,560 --> 01:07:14,596
Get going, fella!

503
01:07:24,640 --> 01:07:28,553
You quieter, Gavrila. Go to the 3d floor.

504
01:07:42,560 --> 01:07:46,633
The elegant gal brought the chairs to 17 Varsonofevsky Street, Apartment 17.

505
01:07:49,400 --> 01:07:51,118
Have a ruble.

506
01:07:55,000 --> 01:07:59,915
- Hey sir, it sould be given more!
- The ears of a dead donkey.Get them from Pushkin.

507
01:08:01,000 --> 01:08:02,991
So long, handicapped.

508
01:08:11,080 --> 01:08:15,710
So, we know exactly where 9 chairs are. We still got the chance.

509
01:08:21,960 --> 01:08:26,829
The 10th worries me. 9 against 1. Not bad combination.

510
01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:39,473
Hey,you, women idol. Strike chairs while they are hot.

511
01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:45,151
Act bravely, a little more cynicism.People like it.

512
01:08:47,040 --> 01:08:50,476
But without criminal acts. We have to revere the code.

513
01:09:10,400 --> 01:09:15,155
William Shakespear's vocabulary includes about 12 thousand words.

514
01:09:16,280 --> 01:09:20,592
Vocabulary of a cannibal from mumba-yumba tribe includes 300 words.

515
01:09:21,400 --> 01:09:24,870
Allochka Shchukina was fine with just 30.

516
01:09:36,480 --> 01:09:37,435
- Ho-ho!

517
01:09:38,240 --> 01:09:42,028
Allochka Shchukina used that "ho-ho" to express whatever she wanted.

518
01:09:42,880 --> 01:09:47,829
Right now she's said: I swear that this jumper can make

519
01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:52,639
a fantastic dress, like the one that despicable american chick has.

520
01:09:53,280 --> 01:09:58,308
Men will see my new dress and follow me to the ends of the earth,

521
01:09:58,720 --> 01:10:02,269
dumb with love, but I will be cold-hearted.

522
01:10:32,800 --> 01:10:35,075
- For sure!

523
01:10:35,960 --> 01:10:37,837
- Hello, Helen, my dear!

524
01:10:38,880 --> 01:10:40,996
- Hi, fella!

525
01:10:48,240 --> 01:10:52,677
- What's this? Where did you take the chairs?
- Ho-ho!

526
01:10:54,080 --> 01:10:59,200
Translation: Aren't they nice?
Don't you say I have no sense of style.

527
01:11:00,520 --> 01:11:05,389
Yes, they look good. A present from someone?
- O-ho!

528
01:11:05,680 --> 01:11:08,478
"Do not be naive, who would do such presents".

529
01:11:08,680 --> 01:11:13,231
So you bought them?
What the hell are you doing!

530
01:11:13,480 --> 01:11:16,153
- Ha-ha! (Watch your language)

531
01:11:16,880 --> 01:11:20,589
- You live beyond our means!
- Don't tell me what to do!

532
01:11:21,040 --> 01:11:25,397
- let's have a serious talk. I get 200 roubles. - Ghastly!

533
01:11:25,920 --> 01:11:30,118
- I don't take bribes, don't steal money,
can't conterfeit it. - Ha-ha!

534
01:11:37,160 --> 01:11:40,994
Now look. We can't live like this.
We have to break up.

535
01:11:41,280 --> 01:11:47,230
- Oh that's great!
- Where did you get that stupid slang?

536
01:11:47,520 --> 01:11:51,559
- Don't tell me what to do!
- It's unbearable!

537
01:11:52,560 --> 01:11:55,120
Let's separate quietly.
You can have the room.

538
01:11:55,520 --> 01:12:00,435
I'll give you 100 roubles a month.
Even 120. Do what you want.

539
01:12:04,160 --> 01:12:07,709
- Ivan Alekseevich went to his countryhouse and
left me the flat. - Oh, that's great!

540
01:12:08,800 --> 01:12:13,510
But there's little furniture. I'll take the table
and one of the chairs.

541
01:12:15,680 --> 01:12:18,956
- I think I have the right for it?
- For sure!

542
01:12:43,520 --> 01:12:44,635
O-ho!

543
01:12:48,880 --> 01:12:50,552
Business visit!

544
01:12:53,320 --> 01:12:58,838
- What beautiful fur!
- Mexican jerboa.

545
01:12:59,160 --> 01:13:03,073
- Impossible. They cheated, and
gave you a much better fur!

546
01:13:04,640 --> 01:13:08,269
It's a Shanghai panther.
I know this colour shade.

547
01:13:08,560 --> 01:13:12,394
You see the fur sparkling in the sunlight?
- For sure, my boy.

548
01:13:12,640 --> 01:13:17,668
- You must be surprised by an early visit of a
stranger? - Ho-ho!

549
01:13:29,160 --> 01:13:32,869
-I'm here for you on a delicate matter.
-Yeah.

550
01:13:33,120 --> 01:13:38,353
You were on an auction yesterday and impressed me very much.

551
01:13:41,720 --> 01:13:46,794
Only you, with your female flair could cjoose such an artistic thing.

552
01:13:47,400 --> 01:13:53,748
- Sell them to me. I'll give you 10 rubles.
- Ho-ho?

553
01:13:54,440 --> 01:13:56,715
You're being vulgar, fella.

554
01:14:03,640 --> 01:14:08,668
By the way, it's accepted as a rule in Europe and Philadelphia nowadays
to fill a dish of tea through the tea-strainer.

555
01:14:10,640 --> 01:14:14,713
It's exceptionally effective and elegant.
A diplomat I know has just arrived back from Vienna and brought me one.

556
01:14:16,520 --> 01:14:21,310
- Ho-ho!
- Ho-ho! Oho-ho!

557
01:14:21,720 --> 01:14:27,078
- Let's make an exchange. You give me the chairs
and I'll give you the tea-strainer. - For sure!

558
01:14:28,680 --> 01:14:32,992
-And the second,please.
-Ho-ho.

559
01:14:34,800 --> 01:14:36,836
What means "ho-ho"? Where's the second chair?

560
01:14:37,120 --> 01:14:40,635
We are free birds, it's time man, it's time

561
01:14:43,560 --> 01:14:47,439
To the place where mountain shows up white over sea...

562
01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:56,233
to the place where the marine sides turn blue, to the place where...

563
01:15:39,840 --> 01:15:41,398
Caretaker!

564
01:15:45,880 --> 01:15:48,678
Caretaker!

565
01:16:32,160 --> 01:16:38,349
the situation was horriable. In the center of Moscow, on the 9th floor

566
01:16:39,600 --> 01:16:44,720
a well-educated grown man was standing completely naked.

567
01:16:45,600 --> 01:16:48,717
He had no place to go. He'd
rather agree to go to prison,

568
01:16:49,280 --> 01:16:53,432
than to be seen in that appearance.
The only option left was: to get lost.

Part 2


1
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,239
The House of Nations was seething and bubbling.

2
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:23,038
Poet Nikifor Lyapis-Trubetskoy
was an inside man here.

3
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:29,276
He knew the shortest ways to those oasises
where sprinkling wellheads of easy-money could be found.

4
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:33,514
under the canopy of broad-paged departmental periodicals

5
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,869
- Good morning!
- À-à, Nikiphor Lyapis-Trubetskoy, hellow.

6
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:46,191
I've written splendiferous verses.
- This is an exceptionally medical publication.

7
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,749
"The ballad on nicrosis".

8
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,439
It's high time to popularize the idea of hygiene procedure in common way.

9
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:08,555
Gavrila suffered from necrosis,

10
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:12,592
necrosis made him take to bed.

11
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:18,676
"Ballad about cheating".
Gavrila was an errant husband,

12
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:22,955
Gavrila cheated on his wives!
How d'you like the beginning?

13
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:29,190
All in all, fine. But not fine.
We are a youth magazine,

14
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,956
and you're talking about
some improbable things.

15
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:44,678
Where did you see a husband cheating on
his wife? I personally can't think of a case.

16
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:52,315
Moreover, they are our husbands, and our wives.
It's absolutely nontypical.

17
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,433
I have another version.

18
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:05,119
Gavrila was a faithful husband.
He never cheated on his wives!

19
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:10,875
That is much better,
and much more acute.

20
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,712
"Ballad about headache".

21
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:24,833
Gavrila's work was bureaucratic,
Gavrila was a bureaucrat.

22
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,070
"Ballad about change".

23
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:35,152
Though he was just a firefighter,

24
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,473
Gavrila started shooting film.

25
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,915
Is it you splashing water about?
What a place to take a bath. You must be crazy!

26
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,229
Instead of crying, won't you
rather go to the bathhouse?

27
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,030
Just look at yourself. You look like a picador.

28
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,670
- The key! - What key?
- Of the ap-ap-apartment. - Where the money is?

29
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:16,878
- Are you engeneer Shukin?
- Yea-a

30
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,518
- So you can't get into the apartment.
- No-o-o. - But it's so simple.

31
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:35,354
You absolutely saved my life!
Had you not come, I would have died!

32
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,557
- But I came to see you for a reason, Comrade Shukin.
- I'll be extremely pleased to help you.

33
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,991
It's a piddling matter. Your wife asked me to collect this chair.

34
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:53,673
- For God's sake, please.
- Thank you.

35
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:32,719
- Excuse me, I'm a newspaperman, what happened?
- Jot it down: knocked down by a horse.

36
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:40,553
Monthly edition "Vanilla Allspice"?
Nikiphor Trubitskoy.

37
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:46,514
Comrade Parizanskiy, can I get my fee for verses today?
I need the money urgently

38
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:53,157
Court officer attached my furniture.
They may come for it.

39
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:15,357
Can I see comrade
N.A. Lyapis-Trubetskoy?

40
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:42,239
You have no right to take the furniture away.
It's lawlessness!

41
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,838
Chair for me is not luxury, it's my implement of production.

42
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,836
I'm sitting on it, I'm creating on ot. It's lawlessness.

43
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:57,551
I will repay a debt. In a week. Now place the chair back.

44
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:04,271
I'm sorry. It's misunderstanding.That sort of duty.

45
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,632
Bureaucrats.Get out of here!

46
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:15,790
How many times have I told you stealing is sinful.
You giant mind, the father of Russian democracy,

47
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:20,153
a person close to the emperor -
and such petty criminal tendencies.

48
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,839
Listen, if you're put behind bars, I won't bring you parcels.

49
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:31,079
You're neither my mother, nor sister, nor lover.

50
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:38,190
No idea what for, why it was you and me,
For no reason we met unexpectedly.

51
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:46,275
I've run into ya, I've got restless mood
I wonder why barely me understood

52
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,272
How talanted!

53
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,236
- Does Lyapis-Trubetskoy live here?
- Lyapis-Trubetskoy. It's me.

54
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:06,791
How could you do that, comrade?
That's not the way to do things, kicking out a bailiff.

55
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,391
- What bailiff?
- You know it well who I'm talking.

56
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:14,397
- I ask you,citizeness, remove yourself from that chair
- No, don't move. They have no right.

57
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:19,870
- You'd better not talk about rights
- Take a seat, I won't let them remove the furniture.

58
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:23,995
Article 215 - rendering resistance during discharge of duties.

59
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,830
What's your surname, madam, you'll be the witness.

60
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,640
How are you related to the accused?
-She is my wife.

61
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,911
Giving false testimonies - article 321, section 3, point "j".

62
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,957
Madam, either you'll stand up or he'll get into prison.

63
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,479
The law must be obeyed!

64
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,719
- I'm removing the furniture.
- No, you're not. - What do you mean, I'm not, when I am!

65
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,516
Bureaucrats!

66
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,758
Excellent. Each opened chair increases our chances.

67
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:24,397
Today, I'm going to be engaged in editional affairs
A newspaper "the Lathe" is located in the House of Nations.

68
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:30,753
There wes a mess in the House of Nations, which only can be met on equine fairs

69
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,832
in the moment when the whole company catches a pickpocket.

70
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,031
Where's "the Lathe"?

71
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,476
- What can I do for you?
- Here's printed.

72
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:10,112
"O.Bender got under the horse. An injured got off with a only a scare. "

73
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:14,032
-So what? - The address.
-What address?

74
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:18,037
Of O. Bender in yellow boots.

75
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,792
Oh, comrade Bender!

76
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:54,550
Comrade Bender! Suslik! My cockerel!

77
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:41,073
The chances were increasing but there were no diamonds.

78
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,029
Goodbye, dear!

79
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,078
Hey, Marshal! What did you manage to find out about the Columbus Theatre?

80
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,349
The situation is extremely unfavourable!

81
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:30,590
-Report on situation.
-Today is the close of the season

82
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:34,789
and tomorrow theater is going on tour.

83
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,673
The chairs crawl away like cockroaches.

84
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,676
Four chairs go away, one stays somewhere here.

85
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,916
Of two hares one chooses the fattest.

86
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,514
Well, let's go on close of the season.

87
00:13:54,960 --> 00:14:00,398
I have invited you gentlemen, in order to tell you a really unpleasant news:

88
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:08,759
an inspector-general is coming.
-What, an inspector-general?

89
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:16,270
An inspector-general from St. Petesburg. Incognito

90
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:23,150
Wow!

91
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:04,199
Fragile canes emitted in the darkness its rustle. Two lovers...

92
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,874
The cane was noisy, trees were bending!

93
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:45,113
An excellent find! Like, the song
is about nothing, but so much sense.

94
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:29,232
So, I have invited you to tell an unpleasant news -

95
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,591
an inspector-general is coming!

96
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,232
Our chairs are here, an inspector-general has already come out, we may leave.

97
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:49,075
Down with them, kick them out!
Down with Governor!

98
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,469
Shame on Lyapkin-Tyapkin!

99
00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:03,029
What a great find - confused intelligentsia among the commoners.

100
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,312
So profound...

101
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,716
Viva to the labour merchant class! Down with bribes!

102
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:24,918
An excellent symbol - loss of contact with the commoners and fall.

103
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:41,150
My dear Katya. I've got the money, for what I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

104
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:52,109
Engineer Bruns wasn't found in Rostov. He was enticed to Baku, where I am going to.

105
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:58,996
Don't grieve, it's not so long for us to wait.

106
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:05,915
With God's help, we will soon be living in Samara by our candle works.

107
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:22,074
-Chairs have already been loaded.
-Why are you happy? They don't take passengers.

108
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:28,997
See the notice? "Everybody to the drawing". The ship is leased by a drawings committee.

109
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,710
They will perform state loan drawings on their way. - And why do they need theater?

110
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:38,637
Theater will propagandize the idea of state loans in an intelligible for the mass form.

111
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:42,919
So what shall we do?

112
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,158
-I'm telling you, he is ill.
-Why didn't you tell me about it earlier?

113
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:36,033
-How could I know that the painter will fall ill?
-Go in town and bring me another one.

114
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,358
-Where will I go? The ship is about to leave.
-Then you'll paint yourself.

115
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,319
Hey, you, goggle-eyed who needs the painter! Yeah, you.

116
00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:02,113
- Can you come along with us right now?
- It's really pretty hard, but I'll do my best.

117
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:08,674
-And what about payment?
-Payment is according to approved prices.

118
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,275
But free meals as well and a separate cabin.

119
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:15,635
- All right, it's a deal. But I have a boy with me.
- What boy? - An assistent

120
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,677
-But we have no credit for the boy.
-Oh, then excuse me.

121
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:24,438
If it'll be for your account, then all right, he may live in your cabin. Here's the key.

122
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,592
The key to an apartment where money is? -What?

123
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,231
I'm saying that my boy is really prompt.Get used to spartan conditions.

124
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:47,756
Why are you standing as a wooed? Let this man pass!

125
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,669
-And this is your boy?
-My boy.

126
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,315
If someone tells it's a girl, let them be the first to cast stone at me.

127
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,557
Stand here, if someone appears sing louder.

128
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:49,117
-What to sing?
-Anyway not "God safe the tsar"

129
00:21:55,000 --> 00:22:00,950
Dear comrades, let me consider the meeting to be opened.

130
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:15,517
Heart of beauties is inclined to unfaithfulness
and to changes like wind in May.

131
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:25,628
We like their caresses though they are false
Can't live without...

132
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:38,154
Let one laugh, let one respect,

133
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:44,558
but I do cheat myself.

134
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,108
-We'll open it at night.
-All right.

135
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,117
Done!

136
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,590
Give it to me!

137
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,871
But where are the diamonds?

138
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,200
You are surprisingly quick-witted, you stool hunter.

139
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,709
No diamonds, as you can see.

140
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:52,156
Be silent, my sadness, be silent.
Don't clap your ears on your cheeks, don't you.

141
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:57,470
Someday we'll laugh over the
chair we found this small plank in.

142
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,709
Hold on, there are three more chairs here.
99 percent chance, out of 100.

143
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:24,989
By this sketch, on that panel, 3 metres,
we need to make a transparency.

144
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,037
By the evening. Will you succeed?
- Don't worry.

145
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,876
Will be done in time and on highest
ideological and artistic levels.

146
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,479
Can you draw pictures? That's a pity, I can't either.

147
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:49,831
And those... letters? You still can't?
That's really bad. We're artists, you know.

148
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,191
Come on!

149
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,679
They're gonna drive us out now!

150
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:52,315
- Stop trading. How much?
- 36 roubles. Oh, they'll beat us!

151
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,752
When they beat you, you'll cry but now go to dock

152
00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:59,078
hire boat and wait for me in the agreed place.

153
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:02,869
Comrade Bender, how you gonna play?
-Don't worry I'm in good shape today.

154
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,677
The first move is 'e2-e4' and then we'll see.

155
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:25,595
Comrades and brothers in chess!

156
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:32,073
The subject of my lecture is the seminal opening idea.

157
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:40,670
Brothers, what is debut and what is idea?

158
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:51,230
Debut is quasiunofantasy. Well this is clear.

159
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:55,436
And what is comrades idea?

160
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:03,752
Idea is a human thought that is shaped in a logical chess form.

161
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:09,835
One may master the whole board even with worthless strength.

162
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,953
It depends on every individual.

163
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,753
Some of you play well, the
others are bad players.

164
00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:21,837
And no lecture will change this state of things

165
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:29,438
unless each of you, bros, practises
checkers every day and every hour!

166
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,674
Chess! Come along.

167
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:46,709
Do you know that 'The Four Knights' club can dramatically transform the town of Vasyuquee?

168
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:55,953
I suggest: we need to organize an international chess tournament in Vasyuquee!

169
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,838
Chess lovers from around the world
will come to the tournament.

170
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:04,712
Hundreds of thousands of rich
foreigners will pour into Vasyuquee!

171
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:13,116
The government will have to quickly build a railroad

172
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:18,070
and a highway Moscow - Vasyuquee.
Skyscraper hotels for the guests,

173
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:23,675
Chess Palace for the tournament,
an ultra-powerful radio station,

174
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:32,954
'The Great Vasyuquee' airport with regular
flights to all the parts of the world,

175
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:37,591
including Rio De Janeiro and Melbourne.
Just imagine all that!

176
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:25,991
And think of what will happen when the tournament is over and the guests go away.

177
00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:31,439
Muscovites, tired of housing crisis,
will throw themselves into your town.

178
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:38,350
The capital automatically moves to Vasyuqee.
Vasyuqee is renamed into New Moscow,

179
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,594
Moscow - into Old Vasyuqee!

180
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,872
The chess idea will become an applied science

181
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,876
and will invent the means of
inter-planet communication.

182
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:55,038
Communication will become as easy,
as going from Rybinsk to Yaroslavl.

183
00:32:56,320 --> 00:33:02,395
Vasyquee will host the first ever
inter-planet chess tournament!

184
00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:33,990
The first chess tournament between the
teams of Vasyquee and the Big Dipper

185
00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:40,992
will end with a triumph of Vasyuqeers!
Hooray, comrades!

186
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,676
The Grandmaster has played 'e2-e4'...

187
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:07,556
On other boards Ostap did the same operation:

188
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:11,389
moved the King's Pawn from e2 to e4.

189
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:18,150
At move 3 it appeared the Grandmaster
was playing 18 Ruy Lopez beginnings.

190
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:25,397
In the rest 12 games the Black applied a bit out-of-date but reliable Philidor Defence.

191
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:29,909
If Ostap got to know he was playing
as sophisticated beginnings,

192
00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:37,834
he'd be extremely surprised. The case was that he was playing chess for the second time in his life.

193
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:44,557
Has given away a Bishop! He's cunning!
Left a Rook under strike, setting a trap!

194
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:51,278
He sacrificed the Queen to me! What to do?

195
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:55,074
Surrender until it's too late.

196
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:02,559
Mate... You got the mate, comrade Grandmaster.

197
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:10,993
Well, mate. Congratulations, young
man, you are making progress.

198
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:49,432
- There just has been a Rook here, and now there's no?
- Means it wasn't there.

199
00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:53,389
-So where it is,did you win it?
-i did.

200
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:58,072
-On which move?
-On 15th. Why are you pulling my leg?

201
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:02,670
If you give up - so admit it.
- I have written down all moves.

202
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:06,476
-Bureaucratic nonsense.
-It is outrageous. Give me my rook back.

203
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:14,314
Comrades!Everybody look! An amateur is being beaten.

204
00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:29,197
-Hold the grand master!
-Fops!

205
00:38:17,720 --> 00:38:20,518
Hold the grand master, hold him..

206
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:27,120
-Take off, Kisa!
-My travelling bag!

207
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,514
Come on, come on!

208
00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:20,795
Save your pince-nez, Kisa, it's about to start!

209
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:26,712
-Gentlemen,are you really going to beat us?
- oh, yes, you bet!

210
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:39,433
You, fops! Why aren't you beating you grand master?

211
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,150
If I'm right, you were going to beat me?

212
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:46,915
Goodbye lovers of strong chess feelings

213
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:51,759
Viva to "Four Knights" club!
Hurrah, comrades!

214
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:03,796
Good morning, leader!

215
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:09,717
Oh, it seems to be Cheboksari.

216
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:17,270
We will sell our trophies here and then we'll have enough money to get to Pyatigorsk.

217
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:20,110
Well' wait for the theater there.

218
00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:23,790
Hey, look, there's our chair floating.

219
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:29,510
Hello, buddy, haven't seen for a long time.

220
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:39,749
You know Vorobiyaninov, this very chair reminds me our life

221
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:44,160
We are drifting with the tide as well

222
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:49,358
We are drowned but we sail out successfully,
though no one pleases this fact

223
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:55,158
Nobody likes us, except for the Police Department

224
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,715
which dislikes us the same way.

225
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:04,319
Oh Pussy, we're alien wanderers at this festival of life.

226
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:09,028
What?

227
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:27,270
My darling and beloved Katya. Every hour we approach to our happiness.

228
00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:33,353
Soon we'll have much money.
We'll settle for good, in Samara,

229
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:37,549
by our plant and gonna drink our fruit liqueur.

230
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:44,316
By its geographical location and
population, the city of Baku

231
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:50,069
by far surpasses Rostov. But is not as big as Kharkov.

232
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:53,398
They say, kerosene is
extracted here from earth.

233
00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:10,109
And engineer Broons has moved to Batumi. Road expenses from here are 15 roubles. Send him 20.

234
00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:16,392
By Telegraph. Forever yours.
Husband Fedya.

235
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,034
Ten for all, ah?

236
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:32,479
Dusya, you're making me angry.

237
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:42,877
I'm a man who's suffering from the narzan.
- How much do you want then?

238
00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:47,671
Make it fifty. After all, it's government property.

239
00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:52,909
I agree. Take 20. Do you agree?
I can see it in your eyes, you do.

240
00:43:08,240 --> 00:43:12,756
Agreement is the result of complete non-objection on both sides.

241
00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:16,593
There are no flies on this one. Take a lesson.

242
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:21,198
- When will you bring the chairs?
- Money in advance!

243
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:29,075
Money in the morning, chairs in the afternoon.
Money in the afternoon, chairs in the evening.

244
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:34,118
Money in the evening, chairs in the night.
Money in the night, chairs in the morning...

245
00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:39,551
And is it possible that 'chairs in the
morning, money in the afternoon'?

246
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,077
It's possible.But money in advance!

247
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:57,390
But keep in mind: the theatre
will go away tomorrow. On tour.

248
00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:09,349
What are you doing?
My jacket.

249
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,433
I've been wearing it for 15 years,
and it's still as good as new.

250
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:16,313
Don't worry. It will be not as good soon!

251
00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:19,350
-Give me your hat!
-No I won't give it!

252
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:33,232
Tell me, leader, can you say in French :

253
00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:37,519
"Gentlemen, I haven't been eating for 6 days!"
-Here you are!

254
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:55,348
It's : Je ne mange pas six jours

255
00:44:56,160 --> 00:45:00,312
What an accent, Pussy!
And how much German do you know?

256
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:04,718
- Why do I need all that?
- Because you will go to the park now

257
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:10,509
you're going to beg for alms in French, German and Russian.
The net profit will go to Mechnikov.

258
00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:20,311
Vorobjaninov has never asked for alms!

259
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:24,311
Then you can stretch out your feet, you silly old fool!

260
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:31,509
How do you like this Alfons? I've been feeding him, giving him water,teaching him for three months

261
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:37,194
and now he stands in third position and tells me - never!

262
00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:43,753
One of two: either you enter upon your duties right now

263
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:49,596
or I will strike you off from among shareholders-concessionaires. I'm counting to five.

264
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,512
- Yes or no?
- Yes.

265
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:55,433
Say you mantra again.

266
00:45:58,040 --> 00:46:03,592
- "Je ne mange pas six jours"
- I hardly believe you, really. More pitiful you should act.

267
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:07,758
More music in your voice. Go from the bottom of your heart.

268
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:22,712
- Say it in German.
- Geben Sie mir bitte...

269
00:46:23,160 --> 00:46:26,277
Well, German is ok.
Do it in Russian.

270
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:39,192
- Please give something for a living.
- More seriously. Show me a tear!

271
00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:49,595
Please give something for a living
to a former deputy of the state duma.

272
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:56,557
Brilliant. You a have a built-in
talent for begging.

273
00:46:57,960 --> 00:47:01,236
Go now and don't return without the money!

274
00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:05,516
Messieurs, Je ne mange pas six jours

275
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:25,035
Gentlemen, give something on subsistence to the former State Duma deputy.

276
00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:31,751
The so-called 'Chasm' was considered an attraction to Pyatigorsk.

277
00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:37,800
It was the only place where vacationers could get for free.

278
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:41,876
Ostap decided to change this vexatious omission.

279
00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:46,519
Buy your tickets here, citizens to visit "the Drop".Ten kopeks to enter.

280
00:47:48,480 --> 00:47:53,508
Buy tickets. Children ticket - 5 copecks, to trade-union members - 10 copeks.

281
00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:57,993
To non-trade-union members - 30 copecks.

282
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:14,434
-How much are the tickets?
-To trade-union members - 10 copeks,

283
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:17,679
but as members of police may be equaled to children

284
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:21,948
so the price for you is 5 copecks.
-Give us 10 tickets.

285
00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:29,399
-Tell me please, what purpose is the pay taken for?
- For general repairs to "the Drop",

286
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:32,672
So it won't drop too much.

287
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:08,391
-What is this?
-There is no third chair. It was sent with the scenery.

288
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:14,752
-What to do with the third chair?
-Don't panic premature.

289
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:17,230
May be you are carrying 150 thousand.

290
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:23,035
Or may be I am. Let me try.

291
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:30,715
Mine is definitely heavier.
-Let me carry it.

292
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:58,557
- Moosie, where's the goosie?
- Don't keep on at me.

293
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:21,752
- Moosie, you haven't any pity for your little hubby!
- Get out, you glutton.

294
00:50:30,200 --> 00:50:34,830
- Kindly forgive me! Where can I find Engineer Bruns?
- I'm Engineer Bruns. What can I do for ya, so to say?

295
00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:39,030
- Have you gone crazy? Stand up, please.
- I won't.

296
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:51,391
- On you, Mother, on you, my dear, on you I lay my hopes.
- What's the matter?

297
00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:59,676
I dare not sit in the presence of high-ranking persons.

298
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,909
Moosie, talk to this citizen.

299
00:51:04,400 --> 00:51:07,517
In my house, kindly don't go down on anyone's knees.

300
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:11,833
- Dear lady, Mother!
- I'm not your mother. What do you want?

301
00:51:18,040 --> 00:51:21,669
-Why should I sell my chairs?
-well, these are my chairs.

302
00:51:21,920 --> 00:51:26,198
How can they be yours? Moosie! Goosie!

303
00:51:27,600 --> 00:51:31,752
- How can they be yours? Do you think I stole them from you, then?
- Oh, Lord, nothing of the kind!

304
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:37,479
This set is the former property of my wife, who was on her deathbed.

305
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:44,553
Not on my impudence, but only by the will of my wife, to delight her latest minutes

306
00:51:45,600 --> 00:51:50,594
I dared to disturb you. I'm ready to pay as much as you want and not to begrudge.

307
00:51:50,920 --> 00:51:55,277
Even 20 rubles.
-20 rubles for this perfect set?

308
00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:02,759
Moosie, He really is a nut. Honestly he is.

309
00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:07,232
I'm not a madman, I only fulfil my wife's will, who sent me here.

310
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:13,351
Oh, hell! Moosie, he's at it again. He's crawling around again.

311
00:52:14,520 --> 00:52:18,433
- Name your price.
- Don't spoil the tree!

312
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:22,920
Name your price, at last!

313
00:52:25,000 --> 00:52:28,754
I think he is not a madman, he is man who is upset with his wife's illness.

314
00:52:30,240 --> 00:52:33,835
May be we should sell him the chairs? He will leave us alone then.
He's gonna hurt his forehead.

315
00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:37,313
-And on what we'll be sitting?
-We'll buy new chairs.

316
00:52:37,720 --> 00:52:41,156
-For 20 rubles.
-Of course, I'm not gonna sell them for 20 rubles.

317
00:52:41,600 --> 00:52:45,309
And for 200 either but for 250 I'll sell.

318
00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:48,920
No, I'm sick of it!
-He is a madman!

319
00:52:50,360 --> 00:52:53,875
First, set aside from the palm on 3 steps, not less.

320
00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:58,468
Secondly, stand up immediately.

321
00:52:59,920 --> 00:53:04,755
Thirdly, I'll sell you the furniture for 250 rubless, not less.

322
00:53:05,040 --> 00:53:11,275
...only fulfiling my sick wife's will.
-My wife is sick too, but I don't demand you

323
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:18,636
to sell me your jacket for 30 copecks.
-Take it for free.

324
00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:23,233
Stop it. 250 and not less.

325
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:30,394
- 50!
- Moosie, invite Erophey Pavlovich.

326
00:53:33,200 --> 00:53:36,909
Erophey Pavlovich, may I ask you for a minute?

327
00:53:40,080 --> 00:53:41,513
Escort him.

328
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:11,431
55!

329
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:17,512
60 rubles.not for the sake of profit

330
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:22,070
70!75!

331
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:27,915
80! 85! 90! 95!

332
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:35,279
100 rubles!

333
00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:43,595
100! 125!

334
00:54:46,760 --> 00:54:49,228
135!

335
00:54:51,080 --> 00:54:53,514
145!

336
00:54:54,440 --> 00:54:56,078
155!

337
00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:03,916
Hell with you! 200 rubles, but only leave me alone!

338
00:55:35,640 --> 00:55:38,234
Stop, Mussulman!

339
00:56:06,840 --> 00:56:09,752
oh, I'm gonna show you!

340
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:51,635
Take notice of fascinating views, of exciting scenery. Wonderful air.

341
00:57:56,280 --> 00:58:01,035
5 days of the way left, but ahead of us 150 thousands 00 kopecks

342
00:58:02,520 --> 00:58:05,398
- I'm starving!
- Pity Pussy, endure little longer!

343
00:58:25,640 --> 00:58:28,234
Money!Give me money!

344
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:36,875
Alpine mendicancy! Holy business!

345
00:58:51,080 --> 00:58:54,311
Money! Give me money, I'm telling you!

346
00:58:56,040 --> 00:58:58,031
Give money!

347
00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:05,598
Give money! Give money!

348
00:59:09,600 --> 00:59:12,512
30 copecks. The premiere went off successfully.

349
00:59:34,680 --> 00:59:40,038
Take a look, leader, great men - Kolya nad Mika.

350
00:59:40,880 --> 00:59:45,874
Why don't we perpetuate ourselves?
Let's draw one's attention away from Mike and write

351
00:59:47,040 --> 00:59:50,874
"Kisa and Osya were here"

352
01:00:21,800 --> 01:00:28,035
Where did you put treasures of killed by you your mother-in-law? Speak, confess, you sinner!

353
01:00:31,800 --> 01:00:34,473
Ah! Rival firm!

354
01:00:38,080 --> 01:00:42,551
Hold him, he stole our sausage! Hold!

355
01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:54,072
Give back the sausage, you fool!

356
01:00:54,320 --> 01:00:57,039
I'll forgive you all!

357
01:01:10,760 --> 01:01:13,957
Take me off, I'll give back the sausage!

358
01:01:52,680 --> 01:01:56,070
-Mother!
-I'm not your mother at all, I'm Tsarina Tamara.

359
01:01:57,720 --> 01:02:00,553
In my kingdom don't stand on one's knees please!

360
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:04,509
-Not for the sake of profit, but...
-only by the will of the wife, having sent you here. I know.

361
01:02:05,400 --> 01:02:11,316
- How did you know?
- I just know! Why don't you pop by, neighbour?

362
01:02:11,600 --> 01:02:16,594
Candle works! We'll drink fruit liqueur, play in 66,ah?

363
01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:23,637
I'll drop in this week.

364
01:02:32,960 --> 01:02:35,679
Pretty little angels!

365
01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:43,918
Not for the sake of profit, but only by tzarica Tamara's will, having sent me here.

366
01:03:03,440 --> 01:03:07,513
People! Repent your sins publicly!

367
01:03:17,240 --> 01:03:22,268
-Why are you papering theater "Kolumb"?
-Tour is prematurely over.

368
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:34,877
Meeting the wishes of working people the tour has been terminated.

369
01:03:36,240 --> 01:03:38,913
Where has that bloody theater gone, don't you know?

370
01:03:39,760 --> 01:03:42,354
I do, it left for Yalta.

371
01:03:45,480 --> 01:03:51,635
-For Yalta?
-You won't make it to Yalta, Kisa.

372
01:03:53,600 --> 01:03:57,593
Damn it, it's the good fortune!

373
01:04:28,560 --> 01:04:32,519
-The point is we are being followed for already 2 months.
-Oh, my God!

374
01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:38,560
Tomorrow on a secret address an ambush will be waiting for us.

375
01:04:43,560 --> 01:04:46,836
We are happy to meet a staunch fighter in this alarming situation.

376
01:04:47,360 --> 01:04:51,717
I hope with your help to rescue the father of Russian democracy. I'll give you the Parabellum.

377
01:04:51,960 --> 01:04:57,557
I'm ready for a rescue of the father of Russian democracy to give financial help.

378
01:04:59,880 --> 01:05:02,519
You are the devoted son of you Fatherland.

379
01:05:02,840 --> 01:05:07,231
-500 roubles can rescue the master-mind.
-And won't 200 roubles rescue the master-mind?

380
01:05:09,120 --> 01:05:11,759
I presume, the haggling is inappropriate here.

381
01:05:12,720 --> 01:05:15,188
Please, forgive me!

382
01:05:23,480 --> 01:05:28,395
God! We are being followed again. Sing, smile.

383
01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:35,836
And now pay to the waiter and leave unnoticed.

384
01:05:39,080 --> 01:05:45,189
The Union of the Sword and the Ploughshare.
We will not surrender to them alive!

385
01:05:45,480 --> 01:05:48,631
Leave now and never come back here.

386
01:06:04,440 --> 01:06:06,670
Everything is all right!

387
01:06:34,680 --> 01:06:40,630
Kisa! Just in case, we are provincials, could not find an exit. Follow me, marshal.

388
01:06:46,320 --> 01:06:51,189
Here is our future, present and past.

389
01:06:56,320 --> 01:06:59,039
Comrade Bender! What is it? What is it going on?

390
01:07:01,120 --> 01:07:03,270
Rush outside, quick!

391
01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:13,916
-Let's open it!
-To hell with you!

392
01:07:14,680 --> 01:07:18,070
Perish in here with your chair, but my life is precious to me as a remembrance

393
01:07:19,040 --> 01:07:25,593
It was the first stroke of the greater 1927 Crimean earthquake.

394
01:07:26,760 --> 01:07:30,878
It was the earthquake that stood in the way of the great schemer.

395
01:07:32,800 --> 01:07:35,712
Give me the chair. Seems, you are bored to hold it.

396
01:07:36,200 --> 01:07:40,398
-I won't give it!
-What? Is that a mutiny aboard? Give me the chair now!.

397
01:07:40,840 --> 01:07:44,355
-It's my chair!
-Wha-at?

398
01:08:09,360 --> 01:08:12,318
Ippolit Matveevich, dear!

399
01:08:15,200 --> 01:08:16,918
Have you found it?

400
01:08:21,760 --> 01:08:27,118
The whole point is that I have! Kisa, God damn you!

401
01:08:30,800 --> 01:08:35,999
A brilliant combination that was perfectly completed. An ancient adventure.

402
01:08:40,960 --> 01:08:46,193
Do you know new club of railwaymen? Our chair is there.

403
01:08:51,080 --> 01:08:53,833
First floor, third window from the angle.

404
01:08:54,760 --> 01:09:00,437
This night through that window we will get in club quietly.

405
01:09:10,720 --> 01:09:14,952
As for now, sweety, we may have a rest. You may consider money to be in your pocket.

406
01:09:19,320 --> 01:09:21,515
By the way, leader, why do you need money?

407
01:09:21,760 --> 01:09:25,275
What do you mean "why"? What a nonsense.

408
01:09:25,480 --> 01:09:28,392
I mean, what will you buy, Kisulya? You have no fantasy at all.

409
01:09:29,440 --> 01:09:32,238
No, I won't give you money. It' s a passing fad.

410
01:09:33,360 --> 01:09:38,559
I will hire you as a secretary. 40 rubles per month, uniform, tips, ah, what do you think?

411
01:09:45,400 --> 01:09:51,191
Well, I was joking. You will have money, will eat cream-margo,

412
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:55,549
will wear puttee of cambric.

413
01:10:00,440 --> 01:10:03,477
The meeting is in progress.

414
01:11:17,640 --> 01:11:20,996
Comrade Bender died.

415
01:11:51,880 --> 01:11:53,791
Is this the very room?

416
01:11:56,040 --> 01:11:59,999
And here is the very surprise.

417
01:12:02,080 --> 01:12:04,913
Here is the chair I was telling you about.

418
01:12:07,560 --> 01:12:13,192
I was working in this old club as a guard and logistics manager suddenly bought this chair.

419
01:12:16,320 --> 01:12:21,348
I once stood on it to nail a poster and the upholstery burst.

420
01:12:23,680 --> 01:12:27,593
It turned out, bourgeoises hid in this chair jewellery.

421
01:12:27,960 --> 01:12:30,793
-It can't be!
-It can, it can.

422
01:12:31,720 --> 01:12:35,235
On that jewellery this new club was built.

423
01:12:37,400 --> 01:12:42,155
I was given an award - 50 roubles. Here, I made suit.

424
01:12:59,120 --> 01:13:03,989
It can't be, it can't be!

425
01:15:20,360 --> 01:15:25,480
Consider the meeting to be closed, Thank you for you attention!

Часть 1+2


1
00:02:17,447 --> 00:02:22,760
Летом 1927 года в 11.30 с северо-запада
со стороны деревни Чмаровки

2
00:02:23,607 --> 00:02:29,079
в Старгород вошел молодой человек.
- Дядь, дай 10 копеек, а?

3
00:02:38,327 --> 00:02:41,239
Дяденька, дай 10 копеек,
я тебе говорю.

4
00:02:44,527 --> 00:02:47,803
Может тебе дать ещё ключ от квартиры,
где деньги лежат?

5
00:02:48,807 --> 00:02:50,479
Не-е...

6
00:02:51,527 --> 00:02:56,760
Молодой человек солгал. У него не было
ни денег, ни ключа, ни квартиры.

7
00:02:57,487 --> 00:03:02,117
У него не было ничего.
Звали его Остап Бендер.

8
00:03:39,847 --> 00:03:44,284
В чем дело?
Вы кто такой?

9
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:51,563
У меня что-нибудь не в порядке?

10
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:58,523
- Вы сами прекрасно знаете.
- Так может быть зайдем в магазин?

11
00:03:59,087 --> 00:04:03,399
Там и объяснимся.
- Объяснимся в другом месте.

12
00:04:41,247 --> 00:04:43,681
Разрешите прикурить.

13
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:57,396
А что, отец, в вашем городе женихи
требуются? Невесты у вас есть?

14
00:04:57,727 --> 00:05:01,481
- Кому и кобыла невеста.
- А в этом доме невесты есть?

15
00:05:01,807 --> 00:05:06,676
- У нас тут государственная богадельня.
Старухи живут. На полном пансионе.

16
00:05:06,887 --> 00:05:10,766
Это которые ещё до исторического
материализма родились?

17
00:05:11,487 --> 00:05:16,641
- Папаша, неплохо бы винца выпить?
- Угости. - Пожалуйста.

18
00:05:18,727 --> 00:05:23,323
- Так я у тебя переночую?
- Хоть всю жизнь живи, раз хороший человек.

19
00:05:24,007 --> 00:05:28,080
- А что здесь при старом режиме было?
- Барин жил. Ипполит Матвеевич Воробьянинов.

20
00:05:28,407 --> 00:05:32,195
- Буржуй? - Сам ты буржуй.
Предводитель дворянства.

21
00:05:32,527 --> 00:05:36,315
- Пролетарий значит? - Сам ты пролетарий.
Сказано тебе: предводитель.

22
00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:44,684
Полицмейстер ему честь отдавал.

23
00:05:45,807 --> 00:05:50,756
Приходишь к нему, положим, на Новый год
с поздравлением, трешку дает.

24
00:05:51,807 --> 00:05:55,925
На Пасху, положим, буду говорить,
- ещё трешку.

25
00:05:56,727 --> 00:06:00,037
Медаль обещался мне представить.

26
00:06:01,247 --> 00:06:05,399
Так и говорил: ты, Тихон, считай себя
уже с медалью.

27
00:06:06,727 --> 00:06:08,638
Не успел.

28
00:06:10,127 --> 00:06:12,846
- А что, нынче за дворницкую службу
медаль дают? - Дают.

29
00:06:15,607 --> 00:06:17,325
Иду!

30
00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:31,397
Барин!
Из Парижа!

31
00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:36,165
Здравствуй, Тихон. Вовсе я не из Парижа.
Что это тебе в голову взбрело?

32
00:06:38,327 --> 00:06:41,603
У нас хотя и не Париж, но милости просим
к нашему шалашу!

33
00:06:41,927 --> 00:06:46,239
- Да вовсе не из Парижа я!
- Отлично. Вы приехали из Кологрива,

34
00:06:46,727 --> 00:06:48,877
навестить свою покойную бабушку.

35
00:06:55,487 --> 00:06:59,321
- Моя фамилия Бендер. Может слыхали?
- Нет, не слыхал.

36
00:07:00,447 --> 00:07:04,042
Ну да, откуда в Париже может быть
известно имя

37
00:07:04,367 --> 00:07:10,283
Остапа-Сулеймана-Берта-Мария-Бендербея.
- Берта-Мария... Чепуха какая-то.

38
00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:16,365
Я приехал не из Парижа.
- Чудно, чудно. Из Моршанска.

39
00:07:17,927 --> 00:07:23,001
Тепло теперь в Париже?
- Знаете, я пойду лучше.

40
00:07:24,247 --> 00:07:27,683
Вам некуда торопиться.
ГПУ за Вами само придет.

41
00:07:28,007 --> 00:07:33,001
- Я Вас не понимаю.
- А Вы сейчас поймете. Садитесь.

42
00:07:38,847 --> 00:07:43,523
Вы через какую границу переходили?
Польскую, финляндскую, румынскую?

43
00:07:43,847 --> 00:07:47,283
Честное слово, я советский подданный.
Я могу паспорт показать.

44
00:07:47,607 --> 00:07:53,125
При современном развитии печатного дела
изготовить советский паспорт - пустяк.

45
00:07:55,487 --> 00:07:59,958
Значит так. А: имеется эмигрант,
вернувшийся из Парижа в родной город.

46
00:08:00,287 --> 00:08:05,441
эмигрант боится, что его заберут в ГПУ.
- Я не эмигрант!

47
00:08:06,127 --> 00:08:09,437
А кто же Вы такой?
Зачем Вы сюда приехали?

48
00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:13,476
- Я приехал по делу!
- По какому делу?

49
00:08:15,327 --> 00:08:18,683
- По личному делу!
- Э-э! По личному делу!

50
00:08:19,007 --> 00:08:22,795
И после этого Вы говорите,
что Вы не эмигрант!

51
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:30,402
- Что, сами сознаемся или будем
дальше отпираться? - Хорошо!

52
00:08:32,287 --> 00:08:36,246
В конце концов без помощника трудно,
- подумал Ипполит Матвеевич,

53
00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:41,402
а жулик он, кажется, большой.
Такой может быть полезен.

54
00:08:41,727 --> 00:08:45,766
Хорошо, я Вам все расскажу.

55
00:08:46,447 --> 00:08:50,599
В уездном городе N, где бывший
предводитель дворянства служил в ЗАГСе,

56
00:08:51,167 --> 00:08:54,796
было так много парикмахерских и бюро
похоронных процессий, что казалось

57
00:08:55,127 --> 00:09:01,839
жители города рождаются за тем, чтобы
побриться, постричься и сразу же умереть.

58
00:09:02,647 --> 00:09:05,036
Да скорее, умирает!

59
00:09:19,447 --> 00:09:23,406
Исповедал. Чистая душа.
Мужайтесь, Ипполит Матвеевич.

60
00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:27,364
- Ипполит!
- Идите, идите!

61
00:09:32,047 --> 00:09:35,642
Я должна открыть Вам важную тайну.

62
00:09:37,007 --> 00:09:42,127
- Помните наш гостиный гарнитур
в Старгороде? - Отлично помню.

63
00:09:42,887 --> 00:09:49,122
Диван, дюжина стульев.
- В сиденье стула я зашила бриллианты.

64
00:09:52,727 --> 00:09:56,606
Разве их не отобрали тогда?
Во время обыска?

65
00:09:56,967 --> 00:10:01,324
- Я спрятала бриллианты в стул.
- Ваши бриллианты?

66
00:10:02,047 --> 00:10:07,121
Почему же Вы не отдали их мне?
- Как же я могла отдать Вам бриллианты,

67
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:11,125
когда Вы промотали имение моей дочери?

68
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:18,006
Засадить в стул бриллиантов на 70 тысяч!
В стул, на котором неизвестно кто сидит!

69
00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:33,045
Вечерний звон, вечерний звон...

70
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:36,725
Как много дум...
- Федя!

71
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,877
Ты что с собой сделал, а?

72
00:10:46,207 --> 00:10:49,438
Слушай внимательно. Только никому
ни слова!

73
00:10:49,807 --> 00:10:53,846
Я исповедовал тещу Воробьянинова,
она открылась мне, что в Старгороде,

74
00:10:54,607 --> 00:11:00,318
в их доме, в одном из гостиных стульев
запрятаны ее бриллианты.

75
00:11:01,487 --> 00:11:05,765
Эти бриллианты она завещала мне!
- Тебе? - Мне!

76
00:11:06,447 --> 00:11:10,725
Скоро заживем по-новому и свечной
заводик свой заведем и ещё кое-что.

77
00:11:24,047 --> 00:11:27,403
Бриллианты!

78
00:11:32,407 --> 00:11:37,879
Найду, обязательно найду!

79
00:11:39,087 --> 00:11:45,640
Камни подобраны со вкусом.
Думаю, вся эта музыка стоит тысяч 150.

80
00:11:46,007 --> 00:11:47,520
- Неужели так много?
- Не меньше!

81
00:11:48,527 --> 00:11:55,205
- Только Вы плюньте на все это.
- Как плюнуть? - Слюной. Ничего не выйдет.

82
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:58,800
Давно сгорел Ваш гарнитур в печках.

83
00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:05,683
Спокойно! За дело берусь я.

84
00:12:08,407 --> 00:12:12,286
Кстати, нам нужно заключить договорчик.
В случае реализации клада,

85
00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:15,519
я, как технический руководитель,
получаю 60 процентов.

86
00:12:16,087 --> 00:12:19,204
- Это грабеж среди белого дня!
- А Вы сколько думали предложить?

87
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:27,324
- Хотя бы 5 процентов, 10, наконец.
- Вы хотите, чтобы я работал даром,

88
00:12:27,887 --> 00:12:30,447
да ещё дал ключ от квартиры,
где деньги лежат?

89
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:36,956
В таком случае у меня есть основания
полагать, что я и один справлюсь с делом.

90
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:41,123
В таком случае у меня есть не меньше
оснований полагать,

91
00:12:41,447 --> 00:12:45,565
что и я один справлюсь с Вашим делом.
- Мошенник!

92
00:12:45,887 --> 00:12:50,802
Слушайте, Вы, господин из Парижа,
знаете ли Вы, что Ваши бриллианты

93
00:12:51,087 --> 00:12:54,318
почти что у меня в кармане и Вы меня
интересуете лишь постольку,

94
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:57,445
поскольку я хочу обеспечить
Вашу старость.

95
00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:03,926
- 20 процентов. - Да, и мои харчи.
- 25! - И ключ от квартиры!

96
00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:11,515
- 30 процентов!
- Ну, хорошо!

97
00:13:13,487 --> 00:13:16,684
Из уважения к Вашему дворянскому
происхождению

98
00:13:17,647 --> 00:13:21,401
я готов работать за жалкие какие-то
40 процентов.

99
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:24,845
Это же 60 тысяч!

100
00:13:28,247 --> 00:13:33,037
Вы довольно пошлый человек.
Вы любите деньги больше, чем надо.

101
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:34,766
- А Вы их не любите?
- Нет!

102
00:13:35,087 --> 00:13:37,885
- А зачем же Вам тогда 60 тысяч?
- Из принципа.

103
00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:42,400
- Ну, что, лед тронулся?
- Жулик! - Что?

104
00:13:44,447 --> 00:13:50,204
Лед тронулся, господа присяжные заседатели,
командовать парадом буду я!

105
00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:57,881
Доброе утро, предводитель!
Есть приятные новости:

106
00:13:58,967 --> 00:14:01,162
первый стул найден.
- Боже мой!

107
00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:04,357
Стул находится здесь, в Ваших бывших
апартаментах.

108
00:14:05,727 --> 00:14:08,719
Кончайте Ваш утренний туалет
и приступим к делу.

109
00:14:09,047 --> 00:14:10,400
Я готов!

110
00:14:28,287 --> 00:14:31,199
- Вы что, с ума сошли?
- А в чем дело?

111
00:14:32,487 --> 00:14:34,921
Полюбуйтесь!

112
00:14:35,647 --> 00:14:39,686
Боже мой! Что же это такое?

113
00:14:44,007 --> 00:14:49,479
Меня уверяли, что этот краситель дает
радикально черный цвет. Контрабанда!

114
00:14:50,447 --> 00:14:53,723
Всю контрабанду делают в Одессе
на Дерибасовской улице.

115
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:57,604
Боже мой! Что делать?

116
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:03,803
Будем перекрашивать.
Краситель "Наяда",

117
00:15:04,807 --> 00:15:07,640
окрашивает волосы в изумительный
каштановый цвет.

118
00:16:04,207 --> 00:16:07,324
Впечатляюще. Простенько и со вкусом.

119
00:16:08,287 --> 00:16:11,199
Но жить в такими волосами в Советской
России не рекомендуется. - Почему?

120
00:16:11,567 --> 00:16:14,764
- Придется сбрить!
- Это невозможно!

121
00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:20,717
- Тогда сидите всю жизнь в дворницкой,
а я пойду за стульями. - Брейте!

122
00:16:27,927 --> 00:16:32,796
- С Вас за стрижку и бритье 2 рубля.
- Почему так дорого? Везде берут 40 копеек.

123
00:16:33,647 --> 00:16:36,559
За конспирацию, товарищ фельдмаршал.

124
00:16:39,487 --> 00:16:42,160
Нервных просят не смотреть.

125
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:04,643
Заведующий вторым домом Старсобеса
был застенчивый ворюга.

126
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:11,721
Все существо его протестовало против
краж, но не красть он не мог.

127
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:17,602
Он крал и ему было стыдно. Он крал
постоянно и постоянно стыдился.

128
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:23,998
Свет не видывал такого голубого воришки,
как Александр Яковлевич.

129
00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:20,997
Сердце будто проснулось пугливо,

130
00:18:21,887 --> 00:18:26,642
пережитого стало мне жаль...

131
00:18:27,567 --> 00:18:29,558
Дисканты тише!

132
00:18:55,727 --> 00:18:59,163
- Скажите, кто здесь заведующий?
- В чем дело, товарищ?

133
00:19:00,647 --> 00:19:05,243
Это что, песни народностей?
Интересно. Я инспектор пожарной охраны.

134
00:19:07,527 --> 00:19:10,644
Что ж, давайте смотреть помещение.
- Прошу Вас!

135
00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:17,516
- В этой комнате примусов не зажигают?
- Нет, нет!

136
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:19,600
- Печей и тому подобное?
- Нет, нет!

137
00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:25,997
- Это наша спальня.
- Ясно.

138
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:32,998
- Дымоходы прочищаются регулярно?
Печи в порядке? - В полном порядке!

139
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:44,681
- Это что, новая партия старушек?
- Это сироты.

140
00:19:45,647 --> 00:19:47,956
Тяжелое наследие царского режима.

141
00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:52,444
Товарищ инспектор, прошу Вас
отобедать у нас, чем Бог послал.

142
00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:58,922
В этот день Бог послал на обед
бутылку зубровки, домашние грибки,

143
00:19:59,887 --> 00:20:03,641
черной зернистой икорки, форшмак из
селедки, украинский борщ,

144
00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:07,677
курицу с рисом, фрукты и так далее
и тому подобное.

145
00:20:09,447 --> 00:20:12,678
- За ваше коммунальное хозяйство!
- Благодарю Вас!

146
00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:28,039
Почему в вашем кефирном заведении
такой скудный инвентарь?

147
00:20:29,087 --> 00:20:33,285
Даже посидеть со вкусом не на чем.
- Почему не на чем?

148
00:20:35,407 --> 00:20:39,241
В Красном уголке есть английский стул,
говорят от старой обстановки остался.

149
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:44,358
Сегодня утром стул стоял здесь.
Куда он мог деться?

150
00:20:47,487 --> 00:20:49,159
Грустно, девицы!

151
00:20:49,487 --> 00:20:53,446
В Вашем хозяйстве стулья пропадают
самым таинственным образом.

152
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:57,921
- Это просто смешно.
- Я пойду посмотрю в спальнях.

153
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:03,521
Один мой знакомый тоже продавал
государственную мебель.

154
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:07,044
А мне Ваши беспочвенные обвинения
даже очень странны.

155
00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:13,844
Ну ты, жертва аборта, кому ты продал
стул?

156
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:17,364
Здесь Паша, обладающий
сверхъестественным чутьем, понял,

157
00:21:17,687 --> 00:21:21,316
что сейчас его будут бить.
Может быть даже ногами.

158
00:21:21,607 --> 00:21:24,997
Я его первый раз в жизни видел.

159
00:21:25,807 --> 00:21:28,002
- Первый раз? - Ей-Богу!
- Да?

160
00:21:29,887 --> 00:21:33,846
Набил бы я тебе рыло, да только
Заратустра не позволяет.

161
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,357
Пошел к чертовой матери!

162
00:21:46,207 --> 00:21:47,879
Минуточку!

163
00:21:51,847 --> 00:21:56,523
Вы что? Дача взятки должностному лицу
при исполнении служебных обязанностей.

164
00:21:56,847 --> 00:22:02,444
Это статья 114 Уголовного кодекса.
Позор!

165
00:23:44,807 --> 00:23:46,399
- Грабят!
- Позвольте!

166
00:24:04,167 --> 00:24:06,556
- Батюшка...
- Ипполит Матвеевич!

167
00:24:07,207 --> 00:24:11,564
Так это Вы, святой отец, охотитесь
за моим имуществом. Очень красиво.

168
00:24:11,887 --> 00:24:14,799
- Это не Ваше имущество! - А чье же?
- Национализированное! - Кем?

169
00:24:15,127 --> 00:24:18,164
- Властью трудящихся.
- А, властью рабочих и крестьян?

170
00:24:18,927 --> 00:24:22,317
- Может Вы, святой отец, партийный?
- Может быть!

171
00:24:56,607 --> 00:25:02,364
Ну что, нашли? Вы - аферист!

172
00:25:03,247 --> 00:25:08,037
Я Вам морду набью, отец Федор!
- Выкуси!

173
00:25:12,647 --> 00:25:16,435
В этот вечер, зеленый и холодный,
решалась судьба всего предприятия.

174
00:25:17,047 --> 00:25:20,357
Если удастся достать ордера, по которым
распределяли воробьяниновскую мебель,

175
00:25:20,767 --> 00:25:23,201
дело можно считать удавшимся.

176
00:25:25,127 --> 00:25:30,042
Я хотел бы найти что-нибудь из мебели
папаши,чтобы сохранить о нем память.

177
00:25:32,127 --> 00:25:36,166
Не знаете ли, кому была передана мебель
из папашиного дома?

178
00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:42,640
Это очень сложное дело, только
состоятельному человеку под силу.

179
00:25:43,247 --> 00:25:47,206
Ближе к телу, как говорит Ги де Мопассан.
Сведения будут оплачены.

180
00:25:47,567 --> 00:25:52,357
- 70 рублей. - Согласен. Деньги против
ордеров. Когда к Вам зайти?

181
00:25:52,807 --> 00:25:56,959
Деньги при Вас?
Тогда хоть сейчас. Прошу Вас.

182
00:26:01,247 --> 00:26:05,877
- Полный архив на дому!
- Совершенно полный. На всякий случай.

183
00:26:06,527 --> 00:26:09,280
Живем, как на вулкане.
Все может произойти.

184
00:26:10,007 --> 00:26:14,762
Кинутся люди искать свои мебеля,
а где они, мебеля? Вот они.

185
00:26:15,527 --> 00:26:20,760
А кто сохранил? Коробейников.
Вот господа спасибо скажут старичку.

186
00:26:21,207 --> 00:26:25,758
А мне много не нужно. По десяточке
за ордерочек и все.

187
00:26:27,247 --> 00:26:32,367
Вот ордера. Вся мебель Вашего
батюшки тут.

188
00:26:34,287 --> 00:26:38,439
Вы прямо герой труда. Вам памятник
нерукотворный поставить надо.

189
00:26:40,847 --> 00:26:43,964
- Можно расписочку писать?
- Можно. Кройте.

190
00:26:50,407 --> 00:26:54,036
Может ещё хотите гарнитур
генеральши Поповой? Очень хороший.

191
00:26:57,087 --> 00:26:59,203
Нет, благодарю Вас!

192
00:27:01,567 --> 00:27:04,035
Не смею больше обременять Вас
своим присутствием.

193
00:27:04,847 --> 00:27:10,479
- А деньги? - Какие деньги?
Вы спросили меня про какие-то деньги?

194
00:27:11,287 --> 00:27:14,324
- А как же, за мебель, за ордера.
- Ой, голуба!

195
00:27:20,287 --> 00:27:24,644
Клянусь честью покойного батюшки,
забыл снять с текущего счета.

196
00:27:28,167 --> 00:27:33,195
Тише ты, борец за идею, говорят тебе
завтра, значит завтра. Пишите письма.

197
00:27:36,447 --> 00:27:40,884
Еще никогда Коробейников не был так
подло обманут.

198
00:27:41,447 --> 00:27:46,760
Он сам мог обмануть кого угодно, но теперь
прогорал на лучшем своем предприятии,

199
00:27:47,447 --> 00:27:51,645
от которого ждал больших барышей
и обеспеченной старости.

200
00:27:53,087 --> 00:27:58,878
Великодушно извините, как пройти
к гражданину Коробейникову?

201
00:27:59,607 --> 00:28:02,804
- Я Коробейников.
- У меня к Вам нижайшая просьба.

202
00:28:03,487 --> 00:28:06,445
Я брат Ипполита Матвеевича
Воробьянинова, родной.

203
00:28:09,847 --> 00:28:11,678
Лед тронулся!

204
00:28:12,407 --> 00:28:17,959
Что ж, ордерочек на гарнитур Вашего
братца у меня имеется.

205
00:28:19,167 --> 00:28:23,638
Сто рублей! И деньги попрошу вперед!

206
00:28:29,687 --> 00:28:31,006
- Ничего, если золотыми?
- Ничего.

207
00:28:41,487 --> 00:28:45,162
Вечерниий звон, вечерний...

208
00:28:46,527 --> 00:28:49,997
Всучу-ка я ему ордер на гарнитур
генеральши Поповой.

209
00:28:53,327 --> 00:28:56,080
- Прошу.
- Все в одном месте? - Все!

210
00:28:58,647 --> 00:29:02,720
Гражданин Брунс, Виноградная улица,
дом 34.

211
00:29:03,567 --> 00:29:07,719
Все там стоят, один к одному.
Гарнитур замечательный, гамбсовский.

212
00:29:09,047 --> 00:29:12,437
- Премного благодарен.
- Не стоит. Осторожно.

213
00:29:17,847 --> 00:29:22,762
- За эти ордера я уплатил 70 рублей.
- Сколько? - 70.

214
00:29:25,927 --> 00:29:29,715
Концессионеры в расходах должны
участвовать на равных основаниях.

215
00:29:32,207 --> 00:29:36,519
Первый ордер на 10 стульев, выданный
музею мебельного мастерства в Москве.

216
00:29:38,087 --> 00:29:43,639
Второй - на 1 стул, выданный гражданке
Грицацуевой, вдове инвалида

217
00:29:43,967 --> 00:29:48,643
империалистической войны.
Старгород, улица Плеханова, 15.

218
00:29:48,967 --> 00:29:50,320
Займемся вдовушкой.
- Да, да.

219
00:29:57,287 --> 00:29:59,847
Я ожидаю Вас в вестибюле.

220
00:30:00,167 --> 00:30:04,080
Если б милые девицы,
так могли летать, как птицы...

221
00:30:04,407 --> 00:30:09,879
Никогда б я не сгибался,
вечно б ими любовался!

222
00:30:11,487 --> 00:30:15,878
Был счастливей всех сучков...
...вечерний звон,

223
00:30:18,767 --> 00:30:23,966
как много дум
наводит он, бом-бом.

224
00:30:30,327 --> 00:30:35,276
- Здравствуйте, батюшка.
- Доброе утро, Ипполит Матвеевич.

225
00:30:37,087 --> 00:30:40,921
Не зашиб ли я Вас во время нашей
последней встречи?

226
00:30:41,247 --> 00:30:45,001
Ну что Вы, очень приятно было
встретиться.

227
00:30:47,367 --> 00:30:51,918
- Обедню, небось, уж теперь не служите?
- Где там!

228
00:30:54,487 --> 00:31:00,005
Прихожане разбежались, сокровища ищут.
- Свои! Заметьте, свои сокровища!

229
00:31:00,327 --> 00:31:03,683
Мне неизвестно чьи, а только ищут.

230
00:31:11,207 --> 00:31:17,157
А! Конкурирующая фирма!
Покупаем старые вещи, божья корова.

231
00:31:18,167 --> 00:31:20,476
Что Вам угодно?

232
00:31:20,887 --> 00:31:23,845
Мне угодно продать Вам от мертвого
осла уши.

233
00:31:24,207 --> 00:31:27,802
Что, старые вещи покупаем,
новые крадем?

234
00:31:32,127 --> 00:31:34,516
И враг бежит, бежит, бежит...

235
00:31:34,847 --> 00:31:36,360
Сам дурак!

236
00:31:43,287 --> 00:31:46,597
Почем опиум для народа?

237
00:31:56,887 --> 00:31:59,321
Здравствуйте!

238
00:32:04,527 --> 00:32:07,121
Санитарная инспекция!

239
00:32:08,167 --> 00:32:12,240
Доктор Михельсон, Конрад Карлович.

240
00:32:14,607 --> 00:32:17,917
- Что же, давайте смотреть помещение.
- Прошу Вас, пожалуйста.

241
00:32:21,767 --> 00:32:26,363
Говорю же, что это он, без усов,
но он, Воробьянинов вылитый.

242
00:32:26,807 --> 00:32:29,719
А с ним красавец-мужчина,
явно бывший офицер.

243
00:32:30,047 --> 00:32:35,565
- Зачем он приехал, как Вы думаете?
- Не договора с большевиками подписывать!

244
00:32:36,567 --> 00:32:41,516
- Он подвергается опасности!
- Кто сейчас не подвергается опасности?

245
00:32:41,967 --> 00:32:45,323
Усы, дорогая, даром не сбривают.

246
00:32:49,247 --> 00:32:51,966
- Он послан из-за границы.
- Безусловно.

247
00:32:52,287 --> 00:32:55,484
- Но с какой целью он здесь?
- Не будьте ребенком!

248
00:32:57,527 --> 00:33:01,759
Ах, отцвели, ах, уж давно,

249
00:33:03,567 --> 00:33:07,924
хризантемы в саду, а любовь все...

250
00:33:12,647 --> 00:33:16,162
Виктор Михайлович, я должна его видеть!

251
00:33:17,247 --> 00:33:22,002
- Вы понимаете, чем Вы рискуете?
- Все равно, через 10 лет разлуки

252
00:33:22,487 --> 00:33:27,356
я не могу не увидеться с ним.
Я Вас прошу, я Вас умоляю, приведите его.

253
00:33:34,927 --> 00:33:40,206
Где среди пампасов бегают бизоны,
А над баобабами закаты, словно кровь.

254
00:33:41,887 --> 00:33:45,163
Жил пират угрюмый,
В дебрях Амазонки,

255
00:33:45,807 --> 00:33:48,924
Жил пират, не верящий в любовь.

256
00:33:49,607 --> 00:33:55,921
Но, когда однажды, после канонады,
После страшной битвы возвращался он домой,

257
00:33:56,727 --> 00:34:02,723
Стройная фигурка цвета шоколада
Помахала с берега рукой.

258
00:34:04,847 --> 00:34:08,317
Там, где любовь,
Там, где любовь,

259
00:34:14,847 --> 00:34:19,204
Там всегда проливается кровь.

260
00:34:20,127 --> 00:34:26,157
Словно статуэтка девушка стояла и
Пират корабль свой к ней направить поспешил

261
00:34:27,047 --> 00:34:32,758
И в нее влюбился и ее назвал он
Птичкой на ветвях своей души.

262
00:34:35,807 --> 00:34:41,439
Но однажды ночью с молодым ковбоем
Стройную креолку он увидел на песке

263
00:34:42,567 --> 00:34:48,802
И одною пулей он убил обоих
И бродил по берегу в тоске.

264
00:35:06,567 --> 00:35:09,127
И когда под утро,
Плача о креолке,

265
00:35:09,927 --> 00:35:12,999
Понял он, что в сердце
страсть не может потушить,

266
00:35:13,887 --> 00:35:16,526
Выстрелил в себя он,
Чтоб навек умолкла

267
00:35:17,567 --> 00:35:20,684
Птичка на ветвях его души!

268
00:35:36,687 --> 00:35:40,362
Клянусь честью, я чувствовал под
собой что-то твердое. Они там.

269
00:35:41,007 --> 00:35:42,679
Стул нужно сегодня же ночью выкрасть.

270
00:35:46,807 --> 00:35:49,526
Для предводителя дворянства у Вас
слишком мелкие масштабы.

271
00:35:50,447 --> 00:35:53,200
Это типичное пижонство - грабить
бедную вдову.

272
00:35:53,727 --> 00:35:57,003
- Так ведь хочется, чтоб поскорее.
- Скоро только кошки родятся.

273
00:35:57,327 --> 00:36:00,524
Чтобы спокойно покопаться в стуле
я женюсь на ней.

274
00:36:00,927 --> 00:36:03,760
- Женитесь?
- А что? Знойная женщина. Мечта поэта.

275
00:36:06,847 --> 00:36:10,681
- Добрый вечер, Ипполит Матвееич.
- Не имею чести.

276
00:36:11,287 --> 00:36:14,563
- Что Вы хотите сказать моему другу?
- Не надо беспокоиться.

277
00:36:15,327 --> 00:36:18,842
Я от Елены Станиславовны.
- Как, она здесь?

278
00:36:19,327 --> 00:36:22,524
Здесь и очень хочет Вас видеть.

279
00:36:23,087 --> 00:36:27,956
- Пардон. Что, знакомая женщина?
- Старая знакомая.

280
00:36:28,327 --> 00:36:32,684
Тогда может зайдем, поужинаем у старой
знакомой? Я безумно хочу жрать.

281
00:36:33,007 --> 00:36:37,558
- Пожалуй.
- Ведите нас, таинственный незнакомец.

282
00:36:38,847 --> 00:36:43,557
- Все будет совершенно тайно.
- Тайно? - Совершенно.

283
00:36:44,407 --> 00:36:46,967
Я знаю, чем Вы рисковали,
прийдя ко мне.

284
00:36:47,967 --> 00:36:52,324
Не спрашиваю, зачем Вы приехали из Парижа
- Но я приехал вовсе не из Парижа, я...

285
00:36:54,007 --> 00:36:58,762
Мы с коллегой прибыли из Берлина,
но об этом не рекомендуется говорить вслух.

286
00:37:02,727 --> 00:37:05,116
Кстати, в Берлине есть странный обычай,

287
00:37:06,127 --> 00:37:10,962
там едят так поздно, что нельзя понять,
что это - ранний ужин или поздний обед?

288
00:37:15,807 --> 00:37:18,116
А теперь действовать.

289
00:37:19,167 --> 00:37:21,601
Старуха не подкачает? Надежная женщина?

290
00:37:21,927 --> 00:37:26,762
- Ваше политическое кредо? - Всегда!
- Россия Вас не забудет!

291
00:37:30,447 --> 00:37:36,044
Мадам, государственная тайна.
Вы знаете, кто этот мощный старик?

292
00:37:37,527 --> 00:37:42,726
Не говорите, Вы этого не можете знать.
Это гигант мысли, отец русской демократии

293
00:37:43,447 --> 00:37:46,405
и особа, приближенная к императору!

294
00:37:48,967 --> 00:37:52,676
- Наших в городе много? Как настроение?
- При наличии отсутствия, я бы сказал...

295
00:37:54,087 --> 00:37:56,521
С вашей помощью мы свяжемся с лучшими
людьми города,

296
00:37:56,847 --> 00:38:00,203
которых злая судьба загнала в подполье.
Кого можно пригласить?

297
00:38:05,447 --> 00:38:07,642
Бывший гласный городской Думы
Чарушников.

298
00:38:12,767 --> 00:38:17,204
- Вы в каком полку служили?
- Я, так сказать, вообще не служил.

299
00:38:17,567 --> 00:38:19,398
- Вы дворянин?
- Да, был.

300
00:38:19,887 --> 00:38:24,278
Вы, надеюсь, остались им и сейчас.
Крепитесь, заграница нам поможет.

301
00:38:25,207 --> 00:38:27,562
Полная тайна организаций. Внимание.

302
00:38:32,087 --> 00:38:35,397
Крепитесь, запад нам поможет.

303
00:38:38,087 --> 00:38:43,081
Ребята, вы дворяне? Очень хорошо.
Запад нам поможет. Крепитесь.

304
00:38:43,847 --> 00:38:50,480
Полная тайна вкладов, то есть организаций,
Союз меча и этого, как его? Орала!

305
00:38:57,127 --> 00:39:01,166
Председатель одесской бубличной артели
"Московские баранки" господин Кислярский.

306
00:39:11,167 --> 00:39:14,318
- Вы в каком полку служили?
- Извините, я не служил.

307
00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:16,877
- Вы дворянин? - Да.
- Да? - Нет.

308
00:39:17,327 --> 00:39:20,683
- Да или нет?
- Я не знаю, как Вам будет угодно.

309
00:39:21,247 --> 00:39:24,637
Как представитель частного капитала, Вы
не можете оставаться глухим к стонам народа.

310
00:39:25,607 --> 00:39:27,518
- Не могу.
- Крепитесь.

311
00:39:28,647 --> 00:39:34,563
- Вы знаете, кто это сидит?
- Боюсь ошибиться, но это Киса Воробьянинов.

312
00:39:35,407 --> 00:39:39,241
- Киса? - Да.
- Какой он Киса? Это гигант мысли,

313
00:39:41,007 --> 00:39:44,477
отец русской демократии, особа,
приближенная к императору.

314
00:39:45,407 --> 00:39:48,717
Тайный союз "Меча и орала".
- Боже мой!

315
00:39:49,047 --> 00:39:51,436
- Впрочем, Вы можете уйти.
- Я, пожалуй, пойду.

316
00:39:51,767 --> 00:39:56,921
Но предупреждаю, у нас длинные руки.
- Тогда я останусь.

317
00:40:04,007 --> 00:40:08,444
- Крепитесь! Крепитесь!
- Хорошо.

318
00:40:12,127 --> 00:40:18,043
Граждане, не стану говорить о цели нашего
собрания, она вам известна. Цель святая.

319
00:40:19,767 --> 00:40:23,282
Отовсюду мы слышим стоны.
Со всех концов нашей обширной страны.

320
00:40:24,607 --> 00:40:30,762
Некоторые из вас служат и едят белый хлеб
с маслом, другие - с черной икрой,

321
00:40:34,207 --> 00:40:39,645
третьи получают пайки. И только
беспризорные дети находятся без призора.

322
00:40:40,767 --> 00:40:45,557
Мы, господа присяжные заседатели,
должны им помочь и мы им поможем.

323
00:40:46,927 --> 00:40:50,363
Нужна немедленная помощь.
Дети - цветы жизни.

324
00:40:51,887 --> 00:40:55,960
Я приглашаю вас сделать свои взносы
и помочь детям.

325
00:40:56,407 --> 00:41:00,286
Только детям и никому другому.
Вы меня понимаете?

326
00:41:01,607 --> 00:41:04,644
Попрошу делать взносы в порядке
старшинства, господа.

327
00:41:05,247 --> 00:41:11,322
Начнем с уважаемого Максима Петровича.
- В лучшие времена дам больше.

328
00:41:13,047 --> 00:41:18,758
Лучшие времена скоро наступят,
впрочем к беспризорным детям это не относится.

329
00:42:05,247 --> 00:42:10,526
Итого 500 рублей.
Господа, дети вас не забудут!

330
00:42:13,247 --> 00:42:17,286
О дне следующего заседания будет
объявлено особо. Расходитесь по одному.

331
00:42:21,087 --> 00:42:22,645
- Строжайший секрет!
- Есть!

332
00:42:23,087 --> 00:42:26,363
Дело помощи детям должно находиться
в тайне. Это в Ваших личных интересах.

333
00:42:28,847 --> 00:42:31,725
Живыми мы им не сдадимся.

334
00:43:31,327 --> 00:43:33,238
Горько! Горько!

335
00:43:53,007 --> 00:43:56,477
Горько! Горько!

336
00:44:10,567 --> 00:44:12,285
Товарищ Бендер, что с Вами?

337
00:44:16,847 --> 00:44:20,635
- Ничего, моя курочка, твой петушок здоров.
- Петушок!

338
00:44:30,207 --> 00:44:33,517
Вы с ума сошли. Вы все испортите.
Отдайте стул.

339
00:44:34,087 --> 00:44:38,126
- Товарищ Бендер, ну что ж Вы не идете?
- Иду, моя курочка.

340
00:44:43,767 --> 00:44:47,237
Ступай к гостям, моя курочка,
твой петушок сейчас придет.

341
00:44:50,687 --> 00:44:53,565
Здесь ничего нет.

342
00:45:09,367 --> 00:45:11,244
Нету.

343
00:45:13,127 --> 00:45:16,403
Вы не умеете себя вести в приличном
обществе.

344
00:45:16,927 --> 00:45:20,715
Вы разбили мою семейную жизнь.

345
00:45:21,447 --> 00:45:24,962
Товарищ Бендер, ну где же Вы?

346
00:45:26,087 --> 00:45:27,839
В окно!

347
00:45:28,967 --> 00:45:30,446
Иду, иду!

348
00:45:34,167 --> 00:45:36,886
Твой суслик летит к своей курочке
на крыльях любви.

349
00:45:44,727 --> 00:45:51,280
Позвольте, а где же отец Федор, где же
этот кладоискатель и враг Ипполита Матвеевича?

350
00:45:52,327 --> 00:45:58,357
Взалкал отец Федор, захотелось ему
богатства. Завертела его нелегкая

351
00:45:59,607 --> 00:46:05,796
и понесло его по России за гарнитуром
генеральши Поповой, в котором ни черта нет.

352
00:46:06,407 --> 00:46:10,036
Едет отец по России, только письма
жене пишет.

353
00:46:10,367 --> 00:46:15,043
Милая моя Катя. Не так кратко мое
путешествие, как мы думали.

354
00:46:15,607 --> 00:46:21,159
Инженер Брунс переехал из Старгорода
в Харьков, а потом в Ростов, куда и я еду.

355
00:46:25,887 --> 00:46:31,962
Вооружись терпением и, помолясь,
продай мою старую рясу,

356
00:46:32,767 --> 00:46:36,203
а что продать из мебели, решай сама.

357
00:46:44,127 --> 00:46:49,565
Постигло меня большое огорчение, любуясь
из окна чудной природой,

358
00:46:51,367 --> 00:46:56,236
с моей головы ветром сдуло картуз.
Картуз сдуло!

359
00:46:56,967 --> 00:47:02,963
Концессионеры прибыли в столицу
ровно в 11 часов по московскому времени.

360
00:47:04,047 --> 00:47:08,006
- Куда это мы приехали?
- К хорошим людям. В Москве их масса.

361
00:47:08,327 --> 00:47:11,444
И все мои знакомые.
Прошу Вас, предводитель.

362
00:47:12,367 --> 00:47:17,521
Это было знаменитое студенческое
общежитие имени монаха Бертольда Шварца.

363
00:47:17,967 --> 00:47:22,358
Когда-то здесь жили студенты-химики,
а теперь общежитие напоминало

364
00:47:22,687 --> 00:47:27,966
нечто среднее между жилтовариществом
и феодальным поселком.

365
00:47:30,247 --> 00:47:31,805
Коля, ты дома?

366
00:47:32,367 --> 00:47:36,838
Опять к этому дураку гости спозаранку
пришли. Наверное из милиции.

367
00:47:37,167 --> 00:47:41,365
Товарищи, нельзя ли потише?
Я хочу спать.

368
00:47:41,687 --> 00:47:44,963
Да, я дома, входите!

369
00:47:48,567 --> 00:47:54,119
Привет! Входите! А я вот женился,
это Лиза.

370
00:47:55,887 --> 00:48:00,358
- Коля, можно тебя на минутку?
- Прекрасное утро, сударыня.

371
00:48:00,767 --> 00:48:03,645
Да чего уж тут прекрасного!

372
00:48:03,967 --> 00:48:08,199
Не удивляйтесь! Это из крайней комнаты,
у нас тут слышимость такая.

373
00:48:10,727 --> 00:48:15,437
Я тебе дам ключ от комнаты Иванопуло.
Он уехал на полгода в командировку.

374
00:48:17,287 --> 00:48:21,360
Прекрасный вариант. Ключ от квартиры,
где будут лежать деньги.

375
00:48:25,207 --> 00:48:28,563
- Приходите к нам в гости!
- Мало им гостей!

376
00:48:54,287 --> 00:48:57,085
Куда же этот студент матрац девал?

377
00:48:58,487 --> 00:49:02,366
Лучше б скелет продал, чем матрац.
Где же Вы, предводитель? Входите.

378
00:49:21,247 --> 00:49:24,319
- Пардон, а где же мы будем спать?
- Отлично устроимся.

379
00:49:40,367 --> 00:49:43,518
Не обращайте внимания.
Это собственность Иванопуло.

380
00:49:45,927 --> 00:49:52,162
Теперь короткий отдых и в музей мебели.
Кстати, получите Вашу долю,

381
00:49:52,887 --> 00:49:57,244
особа, приближенная к императору.
Здесь 200 рублей.

382
00:50:00,047 --> 00:50:03,517
Можете не пересчитывать, Вы не в церкви,
Вас не обманут.

383
00:50:07,447 --> 00:50:10,678
Сувенир. Прихватил на память о мадам
Грицацуевой.

384
00:50:11,007 --> 00:50:14,204
А что? Знойная женщина,
мечта поэта.

385
00:50:37,647 --> 00:50:40,241
Не пойду в вегетарианскую столовую.

386
00:50:40,687 --> 00:50:44,043
Не могу больше есть зайца из морковки
и гороховые сосиски.

387
00:50:44,367 --> 00:50:49,999
Предпочитаешь мясо бедных животных
вегетарианской писчи! - Пищи!

388
00:50:52,127 --> 00:50:58,077
В первый раз за 3 месяца супружеской жизни
Коля понял, что супруга не любит

389
00:50:58,727 --> 00:51:02,800
вегетарианской пищи, которую он и сам
недолюбливал.

390
00:51:04,687 --> 00:51:08,760
Но мясо их семейный бюджет
просто не выдержал бы.

391
00:51:10,407 --> 00:51:16,198
- Девочка моя! Все болезни происходят
от мяса. - Ну и пусть!

392
00:51:16,767 --> 00:51:20,157
Организм, ослабленный потреблением мяса,
не в силах бороться с инфекцией!

393
00:51:22,207 --> 00:51:28,157
Все счастливые семьи похожи друг на друга,
каждая несчастливая несчастлива по-своему.

394
00:51:29,727 --> 00:51:33,356
Лев Толстой, "Анна Каренина", часть 1-я.

395
00:51:33,887 --> 00:51:38,165
- Лев Толстой и тот не ел мяса.
- А когда писал "Войну и мир" ел мясо! Ел!

396
00:51:38,487 --> 00:51:41,684
Когда "Анну Каренину" писал лопал!
Рубал, будь здоров!

397
00:51:42,007 --> 00:51:46,159
Не вмешивайтесь в нашу семейную жизнь!
Что ты ко мне прицепилась со своим Толстым?

398
00:51:46,487 --> 00:51:48,955
Я? К Вам?!

399
00:51:51,487 --> 00:51:55,241
Куда ты собираешься? Я тя спрашиваю,
куда ты идешь?

400
00:51:56,567 --> 00:51:59,445
- Прощай, несчастный!
- Лиза!

401
00:52:00,607 --> 00:52:03,997
Голоса: Топиться побежала.
Да нет, за колбасой.

402
00:52:04,327 --> 00:52:06,636
Лизавета, вернись!

403
00:52:18,567 --> 00:52:24,119
- Так, что вы видите перед собой?
- Кровать. - Верно, точнее мебель.

404
00:52:24,927 --> 00:52:30,604
О чем нам говорит эта мебель? О том,
какие огромные нетрудовые доходы

405
00:52:30,927 --> 00:52:35,876
имела растленная аристократия.
Девушка, руками мебель в музее не трогают.

406
00:52:40,487 --> 00:52:46,403
Только больная фантазия загнивающих
классов могла породить спальную мебель

407
00:52:46,847 --> 00:52:50,840
таких невероятных размеров.
Излишне говорить о том, что простым людям

408
00:52:51,167 --> 00:52:56,241
нечего делать на таких кроватях.
Смешного ничего нет.

409
00:52:56,807 --> 00:52:59,526
- А можно подойти?
- Можно, но руками не трогать.

410
00:53:09,447 --> 00:53:12,598
Что ж это такое, уже последняя комната,
а их нигде нет.

411
00:53:13,847 --> 00:53:17,157
Вам, предводитель, пора лечиться
электричеством.

412
00:53:17,487 --> 00:53:21,560
Стул не иголка, найдем. Эти?
- Нет.

413
00:53:24,407 --> 00:53:25,886
Товарищ Бендер!

414
00:53:30,127 --> 00:53:32,516
- Как Вы сюда попали?
- Совершенно случайно.

415
00:53:32,967 --> 00:53:35,800
Я поссорилась с мужем.
- Вот как?

416
00:53:44,447 --> 00:53:48,725
- Елизавета... - Петровна.
- Очень приятно. Ипполит Матвеевич.

417
00:53:52,527 --> 00:53:54,882
- Присаживайтесь.
- Спасибо большое.

418
00:54:06,487 --> 00:54:11,038
- Да, в Париже теперь уже весна.
- А Вы были в Париже?

419
00:54:11,647 --> 00:54:14,798
- Неоднократно.
- Вы - научный работник!

420
00:54:15,527 --> 00:54:18,246
Да. Давно уже. Некоторым образом.

421
00:54:18,767 --> 00:54:21,725
Простите за нескромность,
сколько же Вам лет?

422
00:54:22,887 --> 00:54:27,403
К науке, которую я представляю,
это не имеет никакого отношения.

423
00:54:29,327 --> 00:54:34,924
А все-таки? Тридцать? Сорок?
Пятьдесят?

424
00:54:36,407 --> 00:54:41,401
- Почти. Тридцать восемь.
- Что Вы говорите!

425
00:54:42,447 --> 00:54:48,363
- А Вы значительно моложе выглядите.
- Вы мне льстите, проказница.

426
00:54:49,607 --> 00:54:52,565
Скажите, товарищ, чем объяснить, что
направленная вам по ордеру мебель

427
00:54:52,887 --> 00:54:55,447
не имеется в наличии?
- Как не имеется?

428
00:54:58,087 --> 00:54:59,281
Что Вы сказали?

429
00:54:59,647 --> 00:55:02,798
Когда же Вы доставите мне счастье
увидеться с Вами снова?

430
00:55:03,487 --> 00:55:08,003
- Куда это товарищ Бендер запропастился?
- Причем здесь Бендер! Сегодня можно?

431
00:55:08,967 --> 00:55:12,084
- Умоляю Вас!
- Хорошо. Заходите к нам.

432
00:55:12,767 --> 00:55:16,680
Нет, встретимся на свежем воздухе.
Сейчас такие дивные погоды стоят.

433
00:55:17,287 --> 00:55:21,644
Это май - весельчак, это май-чародей,
веет свежим на нас опахалом.

434
00:55:21,967 --> 00:55:24,117
- Это Маяковского стихи.
- Да, кажется.

435
00:55:24,887 --> 00:55:28,004
- Так сегодня?
- Какой Вы странный! - Благодарю Вас.

436
00:55:30,927 --> 00:55:34,044
Нам нужно срочно отправляться в одно
место. Простите.

437
00:55:36,167 --> 00:55:39,159
До вечера, Елизавета Петровна.

438
00:55:45,207 --> 00:55:47,277
- Что случилось?
- Извозчик!

439
00:55:56,527 --> 00:55:58,882
На аукцион, быстро!

440
00:56:10,567 --> 00:56:14,845
Боже, боже! Они! Они самые!

441
00:56:18,567 --> 00:56:24,324
- Скажите, могу я купить эти стулья?
- Только завтра. Сегодня торг окончен.

442
00:56:28,207 --> 00:56:31,244
Считайте, что стулья у нас в кармане.
Молитесь на меня.

443
00:56:31,967 --> 00:56:34,276
Вино, женщины, карты Вам обеспечены.

444
00:56:36,327 --> 00:56:40,366
В кармане у Воробьянинова лежало
200 рублей.

445
00:56:42,407 --> 00:56:47,276
Бывший светский лев решил ослепить Лизу
широтой размаха.

446
00:56:53,927 --> 00:56:55,963
Будьте добры!

447
00:57:32,607 --> 00:57:38,079
- Можно Вас попросить?
- Этот стол не обслуживается. Пересядьте.

448
00:57:43,447 --> 00:57:47,599
Пардон, этот столик для иностранцев.

449
00:58:12,127 --> 00:58:18,521
Однако! Телячьи котлеты 2-25,
филе - 2-25, водка - однако!

450
00:58:20,927 --> 00:58:23,043
Ресторанная наценка.

451
00:58:24,447 --> 00:58:27,519
- Прошу Вас! Не угодно ли...
- Нет, я совсем не хочу есть.

452
00:58:28,047 --> 00:58:33,804
Или вот что, нет ли у вас чего-нибудь
вегетарианского?

453
00:58:35,447 --> 00:58:38,280
- Вегетарианского не держим.
- Тогда так:

454
00:58:39,407 --> 00:58:45,437
Дайте нам сосиски вот эти за 1-20,
бутылку водки и.. Все.

455
00:58:47,327 --> 00:58:51,081
Чем будете закусывать? Икры, семги,
расстегайчиков, устриц?

456
00:58:52,607 --> 00:58:57,158
- Не надо! Почем у вас огурцы соленые?
- Пятак!

457
00:58:58,087 --> 00:59:00,647
Хорошо. Дайте! Два!

458
00:59:11,127 --> 00:59:14,119
Я здесь никогда не была.
Здесь очень мило.

459
00:59:36,287 --> 00:59:38,562
Не угодно ли?

460
00:59:43,807 --> 00:59:46,037
Для дамы!

461
01:00:06,967 --> 01:00:09,686
Я пойду, а Вы оставайтесь!

462
01:00:11,047 --> 01:00:13,845
Как дворянин, не могу допустить.

463
01:00:18,967 --> 01:00:20,844
Прошу!

464
01:00:35,287 --> 01:00:38,597
Поедем в номера!

465
01:00:46,727 --> 01:00:50,117
Официант, шампанского!

466
01:00:52,927 --> 01:00:55,157
Хамы!

467
01:01:00,127 --> 01:01:01,879
Шампанского!

468
01:01:03,047 --> 01:01:09,202
Фигура, изображающая правосудие.
Бронзовая! Покажите публике правосудие.

469
01:01:11,527 --> 01:01:14,758
Пять рублей. Кто больше?
- Шесть!

470
01:01:19,247 --> 01:01:25,117
А большой бы здесь начался переполох,
если б они узнали, что в этих стульчиках!

471
01:01:28,087 --> 01:01:33,036
9 рублей - раз, 9 рублей - два,
9 рублей - три.

472
01:01:39,767 --> 01:01:43,521
Правосудие продано.
Получите деньги, шестой ряд слева.

473
01:01:46,967 --> 01:01:52,439
- Десять стульев из дворца!
- Почему из дворца? - Сидите, не рыпайтесь.

474
01:01:54,567 --> 01:01:59,243
- 80 рублей! - 90! 100!
110! 115!

475
01:02:07,127 --> 01:02:12,076
120! 125! 130! 145!

476
01:02:16,247 --> 01:02:20,445
145 рублей в пятом ряду слева - раз,
145- два, 145- три!

477
01:02:28,207 --> 01:02:30,801
Двести.

478
01:02:40,767 --> 01:02:46,285
200- раз, 200- два, 200- три.
Продано.

479
01:02:47,887 --> 01:02:50,606
- Ну как, эффектно?
- Да.

480
01:02:52,887 --> 01:02:56,675
- Это вы купили стулья?
- Мы. Когда их можно забрать?

481
01:02:57,207 --> 01:02:58,925
Хоть сейчас!

482
01:04:16,087 --> 01:04:20,399
- С вас 230 рублей.
- Почему же 230, а не 200?

483
01:04:21,127 --> 01:04:23,516
Включается 15 процентов комиссионного
сбора.

484
01:04:23,847 --> 01:04:29,444
Что делать, берите! У меня есть 200.
Гоните тридцатку, дорожайший.

485
01:04:38,647 --> 01:04:41,764
- У меня нет денег.
- Как? А 200 рублей?

486
01:04:44,167 --> 01:04:49,719
- Я их потерял.
- Давайте деньги, старая сволочь!

487
01:04:52,087 --> 01:04:55,284
- Так Вы будете платить?
- Одну минуточку. Маленькая заминка.

488
01:04:58,087 --> 01:05:01,284
Мы ничего не знаем ни о каких сборах.
Надо предупреждать!

489
01:05:02,207 --> 01:05:04,437
Я отказываюсь платить эти 30 рублей!

490
01:05:05,247 --> 01:05:07,681
Хорошо, я сейчас все устрою.

491
01:05:13,127 --> 01:05:18,201
По правилам торга, лицо, отказывающееся
уплатить полную сумму,

492
01:05:21,687 --> 01:05:26,522
должно покинуть зал.
Попрошу вас!

493
01:05:28,927 --> 01:05:34,957
Да, эффект был велик. Таких ударов
великий комбинатор не испытывал давно.

494
01:05:43,527 --> 01:05:47,520
Возмутительные порядки! В милицию нужно
на них жаловаться!

495
01:05:50,727 --> 01:05:54,606
Черт знает, что такое?
Дерут с трудящихся втридорога.

496
01:05:58,607 --> 01:06:03,522
За какие-то подержанные 10 стульев -
230 рублей. С ума сойти.

497
01:06:16,007 --> 01:06:20,797
Вот тебе милиция. Вот тебе дороговизна
стульев для трудящихся всех стран,

498
01:06:21,927 --> 01:06:25,237
вот тебе ночные прогулки по девочкам.
Вот тебе седина в бороду,

499
01:06:25,887 --> 01:06:29,596
вот тебе бес в ребро.
А теперь пошел вон!

500
01:06:44,367 --> 01:06:47,598
Все пропало. Гарнитур по частям продают.

501
01:06:52,567 --> 01:06:54,683
Что слышно?

502
01:07:12,847 --> 01:07:14,883
Трогай парниша!

503
01:07:24,927 --> 01:07:28,840
Тихо ты, Гаврила.
Пошел, 3 этаж.

504
01:07:42,847 --> 01:07:46,920
Шикарная чмара привезла стулья
на Варсонофьевский, дом 17, квартира 17.

505
01:07:49,687 --> 01:07:51,405
Держи рубль.

506
01:07:55,287 --> 01:08:00,202
- Дядь, добавить бы надо!
- От мертвого осла уши. Получишь у Пушкина.

507
01:08:01,287 --> 01:08:03,278
До свиданья, дефективный.

508
01:08:11,367 --> 01:08:15,997
Итак, где находятся 9 стульев известно
точно. Шансы ещё есть.

509
01:08:22,247 --> 01:08:27,116
Беспокоит меня 10-й стул. 9 против одного.
Комбинация неплохая.

510
01:08:34,527 --> 01:08:39,760
Слушайте, Вы, дамский любимец.
Стулья надо ковать, пока они горячи.

511
01:08:41,047 --> 01:08:45,438
Действовать смело, побольше цинизма.
Людям это нравится.

512
01:08:47,327 --> 01:08:50,763
Но и без уголовщины.
Кодекс мы должны чтить.

513
01:09:10,687 --> 01:09:15,442
Словарь Вильяма Шекспира составляет
примерно 12 тысяч слов,

514
01:09:16,567 --> 01:09:20,879
словарь дикаря из людоедского племени
мумба-юмба составляет 300 слов.

515
01:09:21,687 --> 01:09:25,157
Эллочка Щукина легко обходилась
30 словами.

516
01:09:36,767 --> 01:09:37,722
Хо - хо!

517
01:09:38,527 --> 01:09:42,315
Словами "хо-хо" Эллочка Щукина выражала
все, что угодно.

518
01:09:43,167 --> 01:09:48,116
В данном случае она сказала: клянусь честью,
из этой толстовки может получиться

519
01:09:48,967 --> 01:09:52,926
шикарное платье, не хуже, чем у этой
несчастной американки.

520
01:09:53,567 --> 01:09:58,595
Увидев меня в новом платье,
мужчины пойдут за мной на край света,

521
01:09:59,007 --> 01:10:02,556
заикаясь от любви, но я буду холодна.

522
01:10:33,087 --> 01:10:35,362
Железно!

523
01:10:36,247 --> 01:10:38,124
Здравствуй, Еленочка!

524
01:10:39,167 --> 01:10:41,283
Привет, парниша!

525
01:10:48,527 --> 01:10:52,964
- А это что такое? Откуда стулья?
- Ха-ха!

526
01:10:54,367 --> 01:10:59,487
Перевод: Не правда ли, какие миленькие?
Скажи после этого, что у меня нет вкуса.

527
01:11:00,807 --> 01:11:05,676
Да, стулья хорошие. Подарил кто-нибудь?
- Ого!

528
01:11:06,007 --> 01:11:08,805
"Не будь наивным, кто станет делать
такие подарки".

529
01:11:09,127 --> 01:11:13,678
Значит ты их купила?
Это черт знает, что такое!

530
01:11:13,967 --> 01:11:16,640
Ха-ха! (Я попросила бы выбирать выражения).

531
01:11:17,167 --> 01:11:20,876
- Ты живешь не по средствам!
- Не учите меня жить!

532
01:11:21,327 --> 01:11:25,684
- Давай поговорим серьезно.
Я получаю 200 рублей. - Жуть!

533
01:11:26,207 --> 01:11:30,405
Взяток не беру, денег не краду,
подделывать не умею. - Ха-ха!

534
01:11:37,447 --> 01:11:41,281
Ну вот что. Так жить нельзя.
Нам надо разойтись.

535
01:11:41,607 --> 01:11:47,557
- Колоссально!
- Откуда у тебя этот идиотский жаргон?

536
01:11:47,887 --> 01:11:51,926
- Не учите меня жить!
- Это совершенно невыносимо!

537
01:11:52,847 --> 01:11:55,407
Давай разойдемся мирно.
Комната останется у тебя.

538
01:11:55,807 --> 01:12:00,722
Я буду отдавать тебе 100 рублей в месяц.
Даже 120. Живи, как тебе хочется.

539
01:12:04,447 --> 01:12:07,996
- Иван Алексеевич уехал на дачу и оставил
мне свою квартиру. - Колоссально!

540
01:12:09,087 --> 01:12:13,797
Только мебели там маловато. Я возьму
стол и один из этих стульев.

541
01:12:15,967 --> 01:12:19,243
- Я думаю, что имею на это право?
- Железно!

542
01:12:43,807 --> 01:12:44,922
Ого!

543
01:12:49,167 --> 01:12:50,839
По делу!

544
01:12:53,607 --> 01:12:59,125
- Прекрасный мех! - Хо-хо!
Мексиканский тушкан.

545
01:12:59,447 --> 01:13:03,360
Быть этого не может. Вас обманули.
Вам дали гораздо лучший мех!

546
01:13:04,927 --> 01:13:08,556
Это шанхайские барсы.
Я узнаю их по оттенку.

547
01:13:08,887 --> 01:13:12,721
Видите, как мех играет на солнце?
- Железный парниша.

548
01:13:13,047 --> 01:13:18,075
- Вас удивил ранний визит неизвестного
мужчины? - Хо-хо!

549
01:13:29,447 --> 01:13:33,156
- Я к Вам по одному деликатному делу.
- Ага.

550
01:13:33,487 --> 01:13:38,720
Вы вчера были на аукционе и произвели
на меня чрезвычайное впечатление.

551
01:13:42,007 --> 01:13:47,081
Только Вы, с Вашим женским чутьем,
могли выбрать такую художественную вещь.

552
01:13:47,687 --> 01:13:54,035
- Продайте мне их. Я дам 10 рублей.
- Хо-хо?

553
01:13:54,727 --> 01:13:57,002
Хамите, парниша.

554
01:14:03,927 --> 01:14:08,955
Кстати, сейчас в Европе и Филадельфии
принято наливать чай через ситечко.

555
01:14:10,927 --> 01:14:15,000
Необычайно эффектно и элегантно.
Мне как раз знакомый дипломат привез из Вены.

556
01:14:16,807 --> 01:14:21,597
- Хо-хо!
- Хо-хо! Ого-го!

557
01:14:22,007 --> 01:14:27,365
- Давайте меняться. Вы мне стулья,
а я Вам ситечко? - Железно!

558
01:14:28,967 --> 01:14:33,279
- Попрошу Вас второй стульчик.
- Хо-хо.

559
01:14:35,087 --> 01:14:37,123
Что "хо-хо"? Где второй стул?

560
01:14:37,447 --> 01:14:40,962
Мы вольные птицы, пора, брат, пора.

561
01:14:43,847 --> 01:14:47,726
Туда, где белеет за морем гора...

562
01:14:51,287 --> 01:14:56,520
Туда, где синеют морские края,
туда, где...

563
01:15:40,127 --> 01:15:41,685
Дворник!

564
01:15:46,167 --> 01:15:48,965
Дворник!

565
01:16:32,447 --> 01:16:38,636
Положение было ужасное. В Москве,
в центре города, на площадке 9 этажа

566
01:16:39,887 --> 01:16:45,007
стоял взрослый человек с высшим
образованием, абсолютно голый.

567
01:16:45,887 --> 01:16:49,004
Идти ему было некуда. Он скорее бы
согласился сесть в тюрьму,

568
01:16:49,567 --> 01:16:53,719
чем показаться в таком виде.
Оставалось одно: пропадать.

569
01:17:13,695 --> 01:17:16,334
Бурлил Дом народов.

570
01:17:16,855 --> 01:17:21,133
Поэт Никифор Ляпис-Трубецкой
был здесь своим человеком.

571
01:17:21,375 --> 01:17:27,371
Он знал кратчайшие пути к тем оазисам,
где брызжут светлые ключи гонорара

572
01:17:27,855 --> 01:17:31,609
под широколиственной синью
ведомственных журналов.

573
01:17:33,255 --> 01:17:36,964
- Доброе утро!
- А, Никифор Ляпис-Трубецкой, привет.

574
01:17:38,575 --> 01:17:44,286
Написал замечательные стихи.
- У нас сугубо медицинский журнал.

575
01:17:47,535 --> 01:17:49,844
"Баллада о гангрене".

576
01:17:52,575 --> 01:17:56,534
Давно пора в популярной форме излагать
идеи профилактики.

577
01:18:03,055 --> 01:18:06,650
Страдал Гаврила от гангрены

578
01:18:07,615 --> 01:18:10,687
Гаврила от гангрены слег.

579
01:18:10,935 --> 01:18:16,771
"Баллада об измене".
Гаврила был неверным мужем,

580
01:18:17,455 --> 01:18:21,050
Гаврила женам изменял!
Ну, как начало?

581
01:18:22,495 --> 01:18:27,285
В общем хорошо. Но нехорошо.
Мы - молодежный журнал,

582
01:18:29,375 --> 01:18:34,051
а Вы рассказываете о каких-то
неправдоподобных вещах.

583
01:18:37,335 --> 01:18:42,773
Ну где Вы видели, чтобы мужья изменяли
женам? Я лично такого не помню.

584
01:18:45,495 --> 01:18:50,410
И потом, это же наши мужья,
это же наши жены. Абсолютно нетипично.

585
01:18:55,095 --> 01:18:56,528
У меня есть другой вариант.

586
01:18:58,015 --> 01:19:03,214
Гаврила был примерным мужем:
Гаврила женам верен был!

587
01:19:04,055 --> 01:19:08,970
Вот это гораздо лучше и, заметьте,
намного острее.

588
01:19:14,215 --> 01:19:15,807
"Баллада о мигрени":

589
01:19:17,535 --> 01:19:22,928
Служил Гаврила бюрократом
Гаврила бюрократом был.

590
01:19:27,015 --> 01:19:29,165
"Баллада о подмене":

591
01:19:30,175 --> 01:19:33,247
Хоть был пожарником Гаврила,

592
01:19:33,895 --> 01:19:36,568
Гавриле дали фильм снимать.

593
01:19:50,495 --> 01:19:54,010
Это Вы здесь воду льете?
Нашли место для купания! Вы с ума сошли!

594
01:19:57,015 --> 01:19:59,324
Вместо того, чтобы плакать, может,
пошли бы Вы в баню?

595
01:19:59,815 --> 01:20:03,125
Посмотрите, на кого Вы похоже!
Прямо какой-то пикадор.

596
01:20:03,375 --> 01:20:06,765
- Ключ! - Что ключ?
- От квартиры. - Где деньги лежат?

597
01:20:12,015 --> 01:20:14,973
- Вы инженер Щукин?
- Да-а.

598
01:20:16,335 --> 01:20:20,613
- И Вы не можете в квартиру попасть?
- Не-ет. - Но это же так просто!

599
01:20:28,455 --> 01:20:33,449
Вы меня просто спасли!
Если бы не Вы, а бы погиб!

600
01:20:36,615 --> 01:20:39,652
- А ведь я к Вам по делу, товарищ Щукин.
- Чрезвычайно рад буду Вам служить.

601
01:20:42,855 --> 01:20:46,086
Дело пустяковое. Ваша супруга просила
взять вот этот стул.

602
01:20:47,855 --> 01:20:51,768
- Ради Бога, пожалуйста.
- Благодарю.

603
01:21:24,295 --> 01:21:30,814
- Позвольте, я из газеты, что случилось?
- Пишите: попал под лошадь.

604
01:21:34,575 --> 01:21:38,648
Журнал "Душистый перец"?
Никифор Трубецкой.

605
01:21:39,535 --> 01:21:44,609
Товарищ Парижанский, не могу ли я сегодня
получить гонорар? Срочно нужны деньги.

606
01:21:45,655 --> 01:21:51,252
Судебный исполнитель описал мою мебель.
Могут забрать.

607
01:22:09,095 --> 01:22:13,452
Могу я видеть товарища
Н.А. Ляписа-Трубецкого?

608
01:22:36,455 --> 01:22:40,334
Вы не имеете права выносить мебель.
Это произвол!

609
01:22:44,055 --> 01:22:46,933
Стул для меня не роскошь,
это мое орудие производства.

610
01:22:47,495 --> 01:22:50,931
Я на нем сижу,
я на нем творю. Это беззаконие.

611
01:22:51,175 --> 01:22:55,646
А долг я верну. Через неделю.
Поставьте сейчас же стул.

612
01:22:56,575 --> 01:23:02,366
Простите. Недоразумение.
Служба такая.

613
01:23:03,735 --> 01:23:06,727
Бюрократы. Вон!

614
01:23:07,935 --> 01:23:13,885
Сколько раз я говорил, что красть грешно.
Гигант мысли, отец русской демократии,

615
01:23:14,175 --> 01:23:18,248
особа, приближенная к императору -
и такие мелкоуголовные наклонности.

616
01:23:19,895 --> 01:23:23,934
Учтите, попадете за решетку, я Вам
передачи носить не буду.

617
01:23:25,215 --> 01:23:29,174
Вы мне не мать, не сестра,
и не любовница.

618
01:23:30,335 --> 01:23:36,285
Непонятно зачем, почему, отчего,
я тебя повстречал ни с того, ни с сего.

619
01:23:38,215 --> 01:23:44,370
Я тебя повстречал и утратил покой,
непонятно зачем, неизвестно на кой.

620
01:23:51,695 --> 01:23:53,367
Гениально!

621
01:23:54,895 --> 01:23:58,331
- Ляпсус-Трубецкой здесь живет?
- Ляпис-Трубецкой. Это я.

622
01:24:00,415 --> 01:24:04,886
Что же это Вы, товарищ?
Прогонять казенного курьера чревато.

623
01:24:05,575 --> 01:24:07,486
- Какого курьера?
- Сами знаете, какого.

624
01:24:08,055 --> 01:24:12,492
- Попрошу Вас, гражданка, очистить стул.
- Нет, сидите. Они не имеют права.

625
01:24:13,175 --> 01:24:17,965
- Насчет прав молчали бы.
- Сядьте, не дам вывозить мебель!

626
01:24:18,415 --> 01:24:22,090
Оказание сопротивления при исполнении
служебных обязанностей, статья 215.

627
01:24:22,695 --> 01:24:24,925
Ваша фамилия, гражданка,
будете свидетельницей.

628
01:24:25,175 --> 01:24:27,735
Кем Вы приходитесь обвиняемому?
- Это моя жена.

629
01:24:28,615 --> 01:24:33,006
Дача ложных показаний - статья 321,
раздел 3, пункт "ж".

630
01:24:37,015 --> 01:24:40,052
Гражданка, или Вы встанете,
или он сядет.

631
01:24:46,855 --> 01:24:49,574
Закон надо соблюдать!

632
01:24:49,855 --> 01:24:53,814
- Вывожу мебель.
- Нет, не вывозите. - Именно вывожу!

633
01:24:58,495 --> 01:25:00,611
Бюрократ!

634
01:25:12,975 --> 01:25:15,853
Прекрасно. Каждый вскрытый стул
прибавляет нам шансы.

635
01:25:16,815 --> 01:25:22,492
Сегодня я займусь печатью.
Газета "Станок" в Доме народов.

636
01:25:23,455 --> 01:25:28,848
В Доме народов был тот ералаш, какой
бывает только на конских ярмарках,

637
01:25:29,695 --> 01:25:33,927
и именно в ту минуту, когда всем
обществом ловят карманника.

638
01:25:41,135 --> 01:25:43,126
Где "Станок"?

639
01:25:57,215 --> 01:26:00,571
- Что Вам угодно?
- Вот здесь напечатано.

640
01:26:03,975 --> 01:26:08,207
"Попал под лошадь гражданин О.Бендер.
Пострадавший отделался легким испугом".

641
01:26:09,055 --> 01:26:12,127
- Ну и что? - Адрес.
- Какой адрес?

642
01:26:12,935 --> 01:26:16,132
Гражданина О.Бендера в желтых ботинках.

643
01:26:44,215 --> 01:26:45,887
Ах, товарищ Бендер!

644
01:26:47,855 --> 01:26:52,645
Товарищ Бендер! Суслик!
Петушок мой!

645
01:29:33,935 --> 01:29:39,168
Шансы все увеличиваются,
а бриллиантов все нет.

646
01:29:59,735 --> 01:30:02,124
Прощай, любимая!

647
01:30:16,215 --> 01:30:19,173
А, гофмаршал! Что удалось выяснить
о театре "Колумб"?

648
01:30:20,055 --> 01:30:22,444
Обстановка крайне неблагоприятная!

649
01:30:23,895 --> 01:30:28,685
- Доложите обстановку.
- Сегодня в театре закрытие сезона,

650
01:30:29,175 --> 01:30:32,884
а завтра театр уезжает на гастроли!

651
01:30:35,095 --> 01:30:37,768
Стулья расползаются, как тараканы.

652
01:30:38,335 --> 01:30:41,771
Четыре стула уезжают,
один остается где-то здесь.

653
01:30:44,655 --> 01:30:48,011
Из двух зайцев выбирают того,
который пожирнее.

654
01:30:50,175 --> 01:30:52,609
Что ж, идем на закрытие сезона.

655
01:30:53,055 --> 01:30:58,493
Я пригласил вас, господа, с тем, чтобы
сообщить вам пренеприятное известие:

656
01:31:01,655 --> 01:31:06,854
к нам едет ревизор.
- Как ревизор?

657
01:31:09,735 --> 01:31:14,365
Ревизор из Петербурга. Инкогнито.

658
01:31:17,855 --> 01:31:21,245
Вот те на!

659
01:31:58,335 --> 01:32:02,294
Хрупкие камыши издавали в темноте
свой шорох. Двое влюбленных...

660
01:32:03,455 --> 01:32:05,969
Шумел камыш, деревья гнулись!

661
01:32:37,815 --> 01:32:43,208
Великолепная находка. Вроде бы песня
ни при чем, а какой большой смысл.

662
01:33:21,695 --> 01:33:27,327
Итак, я пригласил вас с тем, чтобы
сообщить вам пренеприятное известие -

663
01:33:31,775 --> 01:33:33,686
к нам едет ревизор!

664
01:33:34,255 --> 01:33:37,327
Наши стулья на месте, ревизор выехал,
мы можем уходить.

665
01:33:43,575 --> 01:33:47,170
Долой, гнать их в шею!
Долой Городничего!

666
01:33:48,175 --> 01:33:50,564
Позор Ляпкину-Тяпкину!

667
01:33:54,855 --> 01:34:01,124
Гениальная находка - мятущаяся
интеллигенция среди народа.

668
01:34:01,815 --> 01:34:03,407
Глубоко...

669
01:34:04,375 --> 01:34:07,811
Да здравствует трудовое купечество!
Долой взятки!

670
01:34:17,495 --> 01:34:23,013
Великолепный символ - отрыв от народа
и падение.

671
01:34:33,295 --> 01:34:39,245
Милая моя Катя. Деньги получил,
за что тебя сердечно благодарю.

672
01:34:44,015 --> 01:34:50,204
А инженера Брунса в Ростове не оказалось.
Переманили его в Баку, куда я и отправляюсь.

673
01:34:52,415 --> 01:34:57,091
Не горюй, терпеть нам осталось недолго.

674
01:34:57,855 --> 01:35:04,010
Бог даст, заживем мы скоро в Самаре,
возле своего свечного заводика.

675
01:35:16,335 --> 01:35:20,169
- Стулья уже погрузили.
- Чего Вы радуетесь? Пассажиров не берут.

676
01:35:22,655 --> 01:35:27,092
Видите надпись? "Все на тираж".
Пароход арендован тиражной комиссией.

677
01:35:27,415 --> 01:35:30,805
По пути они будут производить
тиражи госзайма. - А при чем здесь театр?

678
01:35:32,375 --> 01:35:36,732
Театр, в понятной для широких масс форме,
будет пропагандировать идею госзаймов.

679
01:35:39,695 --> 01:35:41,014
А что же делать?

680
01:36:23,295 --> 01:36:26,253
- Заболел он, говорю Вам.
- Почему Вы мне раньше не сказали?

681
01:36:28,735 --> 01:36:34,128
- Откуда я мог знать, что художник заболеет?
- Езжайте в город и привезите другого.

682
01:36:37,655 --> 01:36:40,453
- Куда я поеду? Пароход сейчас уходит.
- Тогда будете сами рисовать.

683
01:36:47,695 --> 01:36:50,414
Вот Вы, лупоглазенький, которому
художник нужен! Да, Вы.

684
01:36:54,975 --> 01:37:00,208
- Сейчас можете ехать с нами?
- Трудновато, но я постараюсь.

685
01:37:01,775 --> 01:37:06,769
- А как насчет оплаты?
- Оплата по утвержденным расценкам.

686
01:37:07,015 --> 01:37:09,370
Кроме того, бесплатный стол
и отдельная каюта.

687
01:37:10,135 --> 01:37:13,730
- Уговорили. Но со мной ещё мальчик.
- Какой мальчик? - Ассистент.

688
01:37:14,655 --> 01:37:17,772
- На мальчика кредита не отпущено.
- Тогда простите.

689
01:37:18,415 --> 01:37:22,533
Если за Ваш счет, то пожалуйста,
пусть живет в Вашей каюте. Вот ключик!

690
01:37:23,695 --> 01:37:26,687
Ключ от квартиры, где деньги лежат?
- Чего?

691
01:37:27,095 --> 01:37:30,326
Говорю, мальчишка у меня шустрый.
Привык к спартанской обстановке.

692
01:37:41,335 --> 01:37:45,851
Что Вы стоите, как засватанный?
Пропустите этого гражданина!

693
01:38:01,215 --> 01:38:04,764
- Это что ж, Ваш мальчик?
- Мальчик.

694
01:38:05,735 --> 01:38:09,410
Кто скажет, что это девочка,
пусть первый бросит в меня камень.

695
01:38:40,855 --> 01:38:42,652
Стойте здесь, если кто появится
пойте громче.

696
01:38:42,855 --> 01:38:47,212
- Что петь?
- Во всяком случае, не "Боже царя храни".

697
01:38:53,095 --> 01:38:59,045
Дорогие товарищи, разрешите митинг
считать открытым!

698
01:39:07,855 --> 01:39:13,612
Сердце красавиц, склонно к измене
И к перемене, как ветер мая.

699
01:39:17,375 --> 01:39:23,723
Ласки их любим мы, хоть они ложны,
Жить невозможно без...

700
01:39:31,095 --> 01:39:36,249
Пусть же смеются, пусть увлекают,

701
01:39:37,215 --> 01:39:42,653
но изменяю я лично сам!

702
01:39:57,735 --> 01:40:00,203
- Ночью вскроем!
- Ясно!

703
01:40:20,415 --> 01:40:22,212
Есть!

704
01:40:24,535 --> 01:40:26,685
Дайте сюда!

705
01:40:35,975 --> 01:40:37,966
А где же бриллианты?

706
01:40:38,735 --> 01:40:41,295
Вы поразительно догадливый,
охотник за табуретками.

707
01:40:41,495 --> 01:40:43,804
Бриллиантов, как видите, нет.

708
01:40:45,655 --> 01:40:50,251
Молчи, грусть, молчи.
Не бейте себя ушами по щекам, не надо.

709
01:40:50,775 --> 01:40:55,565
Когда-нибудь мы посмеемся над этим
стулом, в котором нашлась эта дощечка.

710
01:41:01,255 --> 01:41:04,804
Держитесь, тут есть ещё три стула.
99 шансов из ста.

711
01:41:16,975 --> 01:41:23,084
По этому эскизу на этом щите, 3 метра нам
необходимо изготовить транспарант.

712
01:41:25,095 --> 01:41:28,132
К вечеру. Успеете?
- Не беспокойтесь.

713
01:41:28,615 --> 01:41:31,971
Будет выполнено в срок и на высоком
идейно-художественном уровне.

714
01:41:37,615 --> 01:41:41,574
Вы рисовать умеете? Очень жаль, я тоже.

715
01:41:42,135 --> 01:41:47,926
А эти, буквы? Тоже не умеете?
Совсем нехорошо. Мы же художники.

716
01:44:17,375 --> 01:44:19,286
Давай!

717
01:44:46,055 --> 01:44:48,774
Сейчас вытурят!

718
01:45:46,735 --> 01:45:50,410
- Кончайте торговать. Сколько?
- 35 рублей. Ох, побьют нас!

719
01:45:50,935 --> 01:45:53,847
Когда будут бить, будете плакать,
а сейчас идите на пристань,

720
01:45:54,375 --> 01:45:57,173
наймите лодку и ждите меня
в условленном месте.

721
01:45:57,415 --> 01:46:00,964
Товарищ Бендер, как же Вы играть будете?
- Не беспокойтесь, я сегодня в форме.

722
01:46:01,575 --> 01:46:04,772
Первый ход Е-2, Е-4, а там посмотрим!

723
01:46:20,175 --> 01:46:23,690
Товарищи и братья по шахматам!

724
01:46:24,935 --> 01:46:30,168
Предмет моей лекции - плодотворная
дебютная идея.

725
01:46:34,055 --> 01:46:38,765
Что такое, братья, дебют,
и что такое, товарищи, идея?

726
01:46:43,375 --> 01:46:49,325
Дебют, братья, это - квазиунофантазия.
Ну, это всем понятно.

727
01:46:51,575 --> 01:46:53,531
А что такое, товарищи идея?

728
01:46:56,295 --> 01:47:01,847
Идея, это человеческая мысль, облеченная
в логическую шахматную форму.

729
01:47:04,335 --> 01:47:07,930
Даже с ничтожными силами можно
овладеть всей доской.

730
01:47:09,215 --> 01:47:12,048
Все зависит от каждого индивидуума
в отдельности.

731
01:47:13,095 --> 01:47:15,848
Одни из вас играют хорошо,
другие играют плохо.

732
01:47:16,735 --> 01:47:19,932
И никакие лекции не изменят этого
соотношения сил.

733
01:47:20,775 --> 01:47:27,533
Если каждый из вас, братья, ежедневно,
ежечасно не будет тренироваться в шашки!

734
01:47:29,175 --> 01:47:31,769
В шахматы! Пойдем дальше.

735
01:47:38,535 --> 01:47:44,804
Знаете ли вы, что клуб "Четырех коней"
может совершенно преобразить город Васюки?

736
01:47:48,735 --> 01:47:54,048
Я предлагаю: в Васюках надо устроить
международный шахматный турнир!

737
01:47:56,055 --> 01:47:58,933
На турнир съедутся любители шахмат
со всего мира.

738
01:47:59,735 --> 01:48:02,807
Сотни тысяч богатых иностранцев
хлынут в Васюки!

739
01:48:06,695 --> 01:48:11,211
Государству придется срочно построить
железнодорожную магистраль

740
01:48:11,455 --> 01:48:16,165
и автостраду Москва - Васюки.
Гостиницы-небоскребы для гостей,

741
01:48:17,015 --> 01:48:21,770
Дворец шахмат, где будет происходить
турнир, сверхмощную радиостанцию,

742
01:48:25,975 --> 01:48:31,049
аэропорт "Большие Васюки", регулярное
отправление самолетов во все концы света,

743
01:48:31,295 --> 01:48:35,686
включая Рио-де-Жанейро и Мельбурн.
Вы только представьте себе!

744
01:49:19,535 --> 01:49:24,086
А подумайте, что будет, когда турнир
окончится и все гости уедут?

745
01:49:24,335 --> 01:49:29,534
Жители Москвы, стесненные жилищным
кризисом, бросятся в ваш город.

746
01:49:30,495 --> 01:49:36,445
Столица автоматически переходит в Васюки.
Васюки переименовываются в Нью-Москву,

747
01:49:37,175 --> 01:49:39,689
Москва - в Старые Васюки!

748
01:49:39,975 --> 01:49:42,967
Шахматная мысль превратится
в прикладную науку

749
01:49:43,615 --> 01:49:46,971
и изобретет способы
междупланетного сообщения.

750
01:49:47,615 --> 01:49:53,133
Сообщения сделаются такими же легкими,
как переезд из Рыбинска в Ярославль.

751
01:49:54,415 --> 01:50:00,490
В Васюках состоится первый в истории
междупланетный шахматный турнир!

752
01:50:26,135 --> 01:50:32,085
Первый шахматный турнир между командами
Васюков и Большой Медведицы

753
01:50:33,535 --> 01:50:39,087
закончится убедительной победой
васюкинцев. Ура, товарищи!

754
01:50:59,735 --> 01:51:01,771
Гроссмейстер сыграл Е-2- Е-4...

755
01:51:02,375 --> 01:51:05,651
На остальных досках Остап проделал
ту же операцию:

756
01:51:05,935 --> 01:51:09,484
перетащил королевскую пешку
с Е-2 на Е-4.

757
01:51:10,295 --> 01:51:16,245
На третьем ходу выяснилось, что
гроссмейстер играет 18 испанских партий.

758
01:51:17,735 --> 01:51:23,492
В остальных 12 черные применили хотя и
устаревшую, но верную защиту Фелидора.

759
01:51:24,455 --> 01:51:28,004
Если бы Остап узнал, что он играет такие
мудреные партии,

760
01:51:30,775 --> 01:51:35,929
он крайне бы удивился. Дело в том, что
играл в шахматы второй раз в жизни.

761
01:51:38,215 --> 01:51:42,652
Отдал слона! Хитрит! Ладью подставил,
заманивает!

762
01:51:45,095 --> 01:51:49,373
Он мне пожертвовал ферзя!
Что делать?

763
01:51:50,735 --> 01:51:53,169
Сдавайся, пока не поздно.

764
01:51:56,695 --> 01:52:00,654
Мат... Вам мат, товарищ гроссмейстер.

765
01:52:03,855 --> 01:52:09,088
Да, мат. Поздравляю вас, молодой человек,
вы делаете успехи!

766
01:52:42,055 --> 01:52:47,527
- Только что здесь стояла ладья,
а теперь ее уж нет? - Значит и не было.

767
01:52:47,775 --> 01:52:51,484
- Куда же она девалась, вы ее выиграли?
- Выиграл.

768
01:52:51,935 --> 01:52:56,167
- На каком ходу?
- На 15-м. Что вы мне морочите голову?

769
01:52:57,295 --> 01:53:00,765
Сдаетесь - так и говорите.
- У меня все ходы записаны.

770
01:53:01,135 --> 01:53:04,571
- Контора пишет.
- Это возмутительно. Отдайте мою ладью!

771
01:53:07,415 --> 01:53:12,409
Товарищи! Смотрите все!
Любителя бьют!

772
01:53:24,255 --> 01:53:27,292
- Держите гроссмейстера!
- Пижоны!

773
01:55:15,815 --> 01:55:18,613
Держите гроссмейстера, держите...

774
01:55:22,655 --> 01:55:25,215
- Ходу, Киса!
- Мой саквояж!

775
01:56:01,095 --> 01:56:03,609
Давайте, давайте!

776
01:56:15,215 --> 01:56:18,890
Берегите пенсне, Киса,
сейчас начнется!

777
01:56:19,335 --> 01:56:24,807
- Господа, неужели вы нас будете бить?
- Да ещё как!

778
01:56:33,535 --> 01:56:37,528
Пижоны! Что же вы не бьете своего
гроссмейстера?

779
01:56:38,095 --> 01:56:40,245
Вы, если не ошибаюсь, хотели
меня бить?

780
01:56:41,495 --> 01:56:45,010
Прощайте, любители сильных шахматных
ощущений,

781
01:56:45,975 --> 01:56:49,854
Да здравствует клуб "Четырех коней"!
Ура, товарищи!

782
01:56:59,935 --> 01:57:01,891
Доброе утро, предводитель!

783
01:57:06,015 --> 01:57:07,812
О, кажется, Чебоксары.

784
01:57:09,415 --> 01:57:15,365
Здесь мы продадим наши трофеи, тогда
нам хватит денег добраться до Пятигорска.

785
01:57:15,975 --> 01:57:18,205
Там мы подождем театр.

786
01:57:18,415 --> 01:57:21,885
Смотрите, наш стул плывет!

787
01:57:24,135 --> 01:57:27,605
Здорово, приятель,
давненько не виделись!

788
01:57:32,975 --> 01:57:37,844
Знаете, вот этот стул напоминает мне
нашу жизнь.

789
01:57:39,695 --> 01:57:42,255
Мы тоже плывем по течению.

790
01:57:43,175 --> 01:57:47,453
Нас топят, мы выплываем,
хотя никого этим не радуем.

791
01:57:48,975 --> 01:57:53,253
Никто нас не любит,
если не считать уголовного розыска,

792
01:57:53,455 --> 01:57:55,810
который тоже нас не любит.

793
01:57:58,455 --> 01:58:02,414
Мы чужие на этом празднике жизни.

794
01:58:04,655 --> 01:58:07,123
Что такое?

795
01:58:19,415 --> 01:58:25,365
Дорогая и бесценная моя Катя.
С каждым часом приближаемся мы к счастью.

796
01:58:27,375 --> 01:58:31,448
Скоро денег у нас будет во множестве.
Осядем по-хорошему, в Самаре,

797
01:58:32,095 --> 01:58:35,644
подле своего заводика,
и наливочку будем распивать.

798
01:58:37,815 --> 01:58:42,411
По своему географическому положению
и количеству народонаселения город Баку

799
01:58:43,215 --> 01:58:48,164
значительно превышает город Ростов.
Однако уступает городу Харькову.

800
01:58:48,695 --> 01:58:51,493
Говорят, здесь добывают керосин.

801
01:59:01,935 --> 01:59:08,204
А инженер Брунс переехал в город Батуми.
Пути отсюда на 15 рублей. Вышли 20.

802
01:59:10,255 --> 01:59:14,487
Телеграфом. Твой вечно.
Муж Федя.

803
01:59:22,695 --> 01:59:25,129
За все дело десятку, а?

804
01:59:26,535 --> 01:59:30,574
Дуся, вы меня озлобляете.

805
01:59:35,375 --> 01:59:40,972
Я человек, измученный нарзаном.
- Сколько Вы хотите?

806
01:59:41,295 --> 01:59:45,766
Полста. Имущество казенное.

807
01:59:46,055 --> 01:59:51,004
Согласен. Берите 20.
Согласны? По глазам вижу, что согласны.

808
02:00:06,335 --> 02:00:10,851
Согласие - есть продукт при полном
непротивлении сторон.

809
02:00:11,935 --> 02:00:14,688
Хорошо излагает, собака. Учитесь.

810
02:00:15,095 --> 02:00:19,293
- А стульчики когда будут?
- Деньги вперед!

811
02:00:22,415 --> 02:00:27,170
Утром деньги - днем стулья.
Днем деньги - вечером стулья.

812
02:00:28,015 --> 02:00:32,213
Вечером деньги - ночью стулья.
Ночью деньги - утром стулья...

813
02:00:34,415 --> 02:00:37,646
А можно утром стулья,
а днем деньги?

814
02:00:38,135 --> 02:00:41,172
Можно. Но деньги вперед!

815
02:00:49,455 --> 02:00:55,485
Но учтите: завтра театр уезжает.
Гастроли.

816
02:01:05,055 --> 02:01:07,444
Что Вы делаете?
Мой пиджак.

817
02:01:07,695 --> 02:01:10,528
Я ношу его 15 лет, а он все как новый.

818
02:01:11,575 --> 02:01:14,408
Не волнуйтесь. Он скоро не будет
как новый!

819
02:01:15,215 --> 02:01:17,445
- Дайте шляпу!
- Не дам шляпу!

820
02:01:27,095 --> 02:01:31,327
Скажите, предводитель, а можете Вы
на французском языке сказать:

821
02:01:31,575 --> 02:01:35,614
"Господа, я не ел 6 дней!"
- Пожалуйста!

822
02:01:49,655 --> 02:01:53,443
Значит так: (текст на французском языке).

823
02:01:54,255 --> 02:01:58,407
Ну и произношение у Вас, Кисуля!
А в каких пределах Вы знаете немецкий язык?

824
02:01:58,615 --> 02:02:02,813
- Зачем мне это нужно?
- Затем, что Вы сейчас пойдете в парк

825
02:02:03,735 --> 02:02:08,604
и будете на французском, немецком
и русском языках просить подаяние.

826
02:02:12,695 --> 02:02:18,406
Никогда ещё Воробьянинов
не протягивал руки.

827
02:02:19,255 --> 02:02:22,406
Так протянете ноги, старый дуралей!

828
02:02:24,655 --> 02:02:29,604
Как Вам нравится этот Альфонс?
Три месяца я кормлю его, пою, воспитываю,

829
02:02:30,295 --> 02:02:35,289
а теперь он становится в третью позицию
и заявляет - никогда!

830
02:02:37,855 --> 02:02:41,848
Одно из двух: или Вы сейчас же
приступаете к исполнению своих обязанностей

831
02:02:43,095 --> 02:02:47,691
или я Вас исключаю из числа
пайщиков-концессионеров. Считаю до пяти.

832
02:02:48,695 --> 02:02:51,607
- Да или нет?
- Да.

833
02:02:52,015 --> 02:02:53,528
Повторите заклинание.

834
02:02:56,135 --> 02:03:01,687
(Текст на французском языке).
- Не верю, не верю. Жалостливее.

835
02:03:02,975 --> 02:03:05,853
Больше музыки в голосе.
Идите от себя.

836
02:03:16,655 --> 02:03:20,807
На немецком давайте.
- (Текст на немецком).

837
02:03:21,255 --> 02:03:24,372
Ну, немецкий Вы знаете.
По-русски давайте.

838
02:03:32,975 --> 02:03:37,287
- Подайте что-нибудь на пропитание.
- Серьезней. Слезу дайте!

839
02:03:41,535 --> 02:03:47,690
Подайте что-нибудь на пропитание
бывшему депутату Государственной думы.

840
02:03:49,055 --> 02:03:54,652
Гениально. У Вас талант к нищенству
заложен с детства.

841
02:03:56,055 --> 02:03:59,331
Идите и без денег не возвращайтесь!

842
02:04:00,335 --> 02:04:03,611
(Текст на французском языке).

843
02:04:17,055 --> 02:04:23,130
Господа, подайте что-нибудь на пропитание
бывшему депутату Государственной думы.

844
02:04:25,375 --> 02:04:29,846
Так называемый "Провал" считался
достопримечательностью Пятигорска.

845
02:04:30,775 --> 02:04:35,895
Это было единственное место, куда
отдыхающие могли попасть бесплатно.

846
02:04:36,535 --> 02:04:39,971
Остап решил исправить такое досадное
упущение.

847
02:04:40,735 --> 02:04:44,614
Граждане, приобретайте билеты на вход
в "Провал". Вход 10 копеек.

848
02:04:46,575 --> 02:04:51,603
Приобретайте билеты. Детям 5 копеек,
членам профсоюза - 10 копеек.

849
02:04:52,015 --> 02:04:56,088
Не членам профсоюза - 30 копеек.

850
02:05:08,775 --> 02:05:12,529
- Почем билеты?
- Членам профсоюза 10 копеек,

851
02:05:13,055 --> 02:05:15,774
но так как представители милиции
могут быть приравнены к детям,

852
02:05:16,255 --> 02:05:20,043
то с вас по 5 копеек.
- Дайте нам 10 билетов.

853
02:05:22,295 --> 02:05:27,494
- Скажите, с какой целью берется плата?
- С целью капитального ремонта "Провала",

854
02:05:27,855 --> 02:05:30,767
чтобы не слишком проваливался.

855
02:06:01,935 --> 02:06:06,486
- А что это такое?
- Третьего стула нет. Отправили с декорациями.

856
02:06:08,615 --> 02:06:12,847
- Как же быть с третьим стулом?
- Не устраивайте преждевременной истерики.

857
02:06:13,095 --> 02:06:15,325
Может быть Вы несете 150 тысяч.

858
02:06:17,455 --> 02:06:21,130
А может быть я. Разрешите.

859
02:06:25,215 --> 02:06:28,810
Мой определенно тяжелее.
- Позвольте я его понесу.

860
02:06:52,215 --> 02:06:56,652
- Мусик, ну, готов гусик?
- Не морочь мне голову.

861
02:07:15,615 --> 02:07:19,847
- Мусик, ты не жалеешь своего мужика!
- Пошел вон, обжора!

862
02:07:28,295 --> 02:07:32,925
- Великодушно извините, где находится
инженер Брунс? - Я инженер Брунс.

863
02:07:35,055 --> 02:07:37,125
Вы с ума сошли, встаньте.
- Не встану.

864
02:07:44,935 --> 02:07:49,486
- На Вас матушка, голубушка, уповаю.
- В чем дело?

865
02:07:54,495 --> 02:07:57,771
Не осмеливаюсь сидеть в присутствии
высокопоставленных особ.

866
02:07:59,695 --> 02:08:02,004
Мусик, поговори с этим гражданином.

867
02:08:02,495 --> 02:08:05,612
В моем доме не становитесь
ни на какие колени.

868
02:08:05,855 --> 02:08:09,928
- Голубушка, матушка.
- Никакая я Вам не матушка. Что Вам угодно?

869
02:08:16,135 --> 02:08:19,764
- Почему я должен продавать свои стулья?
- Да это мои стулья.

870
02:08:20,015 --> 02:08:24,293
Как это Ваши?
Мусик! Гусик!

871
02:08:25,695 --> 02:08:29,847
- Как это Ваши? Я что, у Вас их украл?
- Ни боже мой!

872
02:08:30,295 --> 02:08:35,574
Сей гарнитур - бывшая собственность
супруги моей, пребывающей на смертном одре.

873
02:08:36,175 --> 02:08:42,648
Не по собственной дерзости, а токмо волею
жены, дабы усладить последние минуты ея,

874
02:08:43,695 --> 02:08:48,689
решился я обеспокоить Вас. Готов
не поскупиться и заплатить сколько угодно.

875
02:08:49,015 --> 02:08:53,372
Хоть 20 рублей.
- 20 рублей за прекрасный гарнитур?

876
02:08:56,895 --> 02:09:00,854
Мусик, это псих! Ей-богу, псих.

877
02:09:01,095 --> 02:09:05,327
Я не псих, а только выполняю волю
пославшей мя жены.

878
02:09:06,975 --> 02:09:11,446
Черт, опять ползать начал.
Мусик, он опять ползает.

879
02:09:12,615 --> 02:09:16,528
- Назначьте же цену.
- Не портите дерево!

880
02:09:18,455 --> 02:09:21,015
Назначьте же цену!

881
02:09:23,095 --> 02:09:26,849
По-моему, он не псих, а человек,
расстроенный болезнью жены.

882
02:09:28,335 --> 02:09:31,930
Может продать ему стулья? Отвяжется.
Он же себе лоб разобьет.

883
02:09:32,655 --> 02:09:35,408
- А мы на чем сидеть будем?
- Мы купим другие.

884
02:09:35,815 --> 02:09:39,251
- Это за 20 рублей?
- За 20 рублей, конечно, не продам.

885
02:09:39,695 --> 02:09:43,404
Не продам и за 200,
а за 250- продам.

886
02:09:44,455 --> 02:09:47,015
Нет, это мне надоело!
- Это псих!

887
02:09:48,455 --> 02:09:51,970
Во-первых, отойдите от пальмы, не меньше,
чем на 3 шага.

888
02:09:54,095 --> 02:09:56,563
Во-вторых, немедленно встаньте.

889
02:09:58,015 --> 02:10:02,850
В-третьих, мебель я Вам продам
за 250 рублей, не меньше.

890
02:10:03,135 --> 02:10:09,370
...токмо во исполнение воли больной жены.
- Моя жена тоже больна, но я не требую,

891
02:10:10,735 --> 02:10:16,731
чтобы Вы продали Ваш пиджак за 30 копеек.
- Возьмите даром.

892
02:10:17,415 --> 02:10:21,328
Бросьте Ваши шутки.
250 и не меньше.

893
02:10:23,415 --> 02:10:28,489
- 50!
- Мусик, пригласи Ерофея Павловича.

894
02:10:31,295 --> 02:10:35,004
Ерофей Павлович, можно Вас на минутку?

895
02:10:38,175 --> 02:10:39,608
Проводите.

896
02:11:07,695 --> 02:11:09,526
55!

897
02:11:12,695 --> 02:11:15,607
60 рублей. Не корысти ради, а...

898
02:11:16,855 --> 02:11:20,165
70! 75!

899
02:11:21,095 --> 02:11:26,010
80! 85! 90! 95!

900
02:11:30,735 --> 02:11:33,374
100 рублей!

901
02:11:36,775 --> 02:11:41,690
100! 125!

902
02:11:44,855 --> 02:11:47,323
135!

903
02:11:49,175 --> 02:11:51,609
145!

904
02:11:52,535 --> 02:11:54,173
155!

905
02:11:58,575 --> 02:12:02,011
Черт с Вами! 200 рублей,
только отвяжитесь!

906
02:12:33,735 --> 02:12:36,329
Стой, мусульманин!

907
02:13:04,935 --> 02:13:07,847
Ага, я тебе покажу!

908
02:14:44,975 --> 02:14:49,730
Обратите внимание, очаровательные виды,
захватывающий пейзаж. Чудный воздух.

909
02:14:54,375 --> 02:14:59,130
Осталось 5 дней пути, а впереди
150 тысяч, 00 копеек.

910
02:15:00,615 --> 02:15:03,493
- Я есть хочу!
- Кисульчик, потерпите!

911
02:15:23,735 --> 02:15:26,329
Деньги давай! Давай деньги!

912
02:15:31,295 --> 02:15:34,970
Альпийское нищенство!
Святое дело!

913
02:15:49,175 --> 02:15:52,406
Давай деньги! Деньги давай,
я тебе говорю!

914
02:15:54,135 --> 02:15:56,126
Давай деньги!

915
02:16:00,735 --> 02:16:03,693
Деньги давай! Давай деньги!

916
02:16:07,695 --> 02:16:10,607
30 копеек. Премьера прошла с успехом.

917
02:16:32,775 --> 02:16:38,133
Обратите внимание, предводитель,
великие люди - Коля и Мика.

918
02:16:38,975 --> 02:16:43,969
Давайте и мы увековечимся?
Забьем Мике баки, напишем

919
02:16:45,135 --> 02:16:48,969
"Киса и Ося были тут".

920
02:17:19,895 --> 02:17:26,130
Куда девал сокровища убиенной тобой
тещи? Говори, покайся, грешник!

921
02:17:29,895 --> 02:17:32,568
А, конкурирующая фирма!

922
02:17:36,175 --> 02:17:40,646
Держите его, он украл нашу колбасу!
Держите!

923
02:17:49,095 --> 02:17:52,167
Отдай колбасу, дурак!

924
02:17:52,415 --> 02:17:55,134
Я все прощу!

925
02:18:08,855 --> 02:18:12,052
Снимите меня, я отдам колбасу!

926
02:18:50,775 --> 02:18:54,165
- Матушка!
Никакая я Вам не матушка, я царица Тамара.

927
02:18:55,815 --> 02:18:58,648
В моем царстве, пожалуйста, не становитесь
ни на какие колени!

928
02:18:58,895 --> 02:19:02,604
- Не корысти ради, а...
- А токмо волей пославшей тя жены. Знаю.

929
02:19:03,495 --> 02:19:09,411
- А откуда Вы знаете?
- Знаю! Зашли бы, сосед!

930
02:19:09,695 --> 02:19:14,689
Свечной заводик!
Наливочки выпьем, в 66 поиграем, а?

931
02:19:18,535 --> 02:19:21,732
Зайду на неделе.

932
02:19:31,055 --> 02:19:33,774
Ангелочки!

933
02:19:36,655 --> 02:19:42,013
Не корысти ради, а токмо волею пославшей
мя царицы Тамары.

934
02:20:01,535 --> 02:20:05,608
Люди! Покайтесь публично!

935
02:20:15,335 --> 02:20:20,363
- Почему Вы заклеиваете театр "Колумб"?
- Гастроли преждевременно закончены.

936
02:20:28,615 --> 02:20:32,972
Идя навстречу пожеланиям трудящихся
гастроли прекращены.

937
02:20:34,335 --> 02:20:37,008
Куда уехал этот проклятый театр,
ты не знаешь?

938
02:20:37,855 --> 02:20:40,449
Знаю. В Ялту уехал.

939
02:20:43,575 --> 02:20:49,730
- В Ялту?
- До Ялты, Киса, Вам не дойти.

940
02:20:51,695 --> 02:20:55,688
Черт возьми, фортуна!

941
02:21:26,655 --> 02:21:30,614
- Так вот. За нами следят уже 2 месяца.
- Боже мой!

942
02:21:31,535 --> 02:21:36,655
Завтра на конспиративной квартире
нас будет ждать засада.

943
02:21:41,655 --> 02:21:44,931
Мы рады встретить в этой тревожной
обстановке преданного борца.

944
02:21:45,455 --> 02:21:49,812
Я надеюсь с Вашей помощью спасти отца
русской демократии. Я дам Вам парабеллум.

945
02:21:50,055 --> 02:21:55,652
Я готов для спасения отца русской
демократии оказать финансовую помощь.

946
02:21:57,975 --> 02:22:00,614
Вы - верный сын Отечества.

947
02:22:00,935 --> 02:22:05,326
- 500 рублей могут спасти гиганта мысли.
- А 200 рублей не могут спасти?

948
02:22:07,215 --> 02:22:09,854
Я думаю, торг здесь неуместен!

949
02:22:10,815 --> 02:22:13,283
Простите пожалуйста!

950
02:22:21,575 --> 02:22:26,490
Господи, за нами опять следят.
Пойте, улыбайтесь.

951
02:22:30,495 --> 02:22:33,931
А теперь расплатитесь с официантом
и незаметно уйдите.

952
02:22:37,175 --> 02:22:43,284
Союз "Меча и орала".
Живыми мы им не сдадимся!

953
02:22:43,575 --> 02:22:46,726
Идите и больше сюда не приходите!

954
02:23:02,535 --> 02:23:04,765
Все в порядке!

955
02:23:32,775 --> 02:23:38,725
Киса! В случае чего, мы не нашли выхода.
Провинциалы. За мной, предводитель!

956
02:23:44,415 --> 02:23:49,284
Вот наше будущее, настоящее
и прошедшее.

957
02:23:54,415 --> 02:23:57,134
Товарищ Бендер! Что это?

958
02:23:59,215 --> 02:24:01,365
Скорей на улицу!

959
02:24:07,495 --> 02:24:12,011
- Давайте вскроем!
- Ну Вас к черту!

960
02:24:12,775 --> 02:24:16,165
Пропадайте с вашим стулом,
а мне моя жизнь дорога, как память.

961
02:24:17,135 --> 02:24:23,688
Это был первый удар большого крымского
землетрясения 1927 года.

962
02:24:24,855 --> 02:24:28,973
Землетрясение встало на пути великого
комбинатора.

963
02:24:30,895 --> 02:24:33,807
Отдайте стул. Вам, я вижу, надоело
его держать.

964
02:24:34,295 --> 02:24:38,493
- Не дам!
- Что? Бунт на корабле? Отдайте стул!

965
02:24:38,935 --> 02:24:42,450
- Это мой стул!
- Что-о?

966
02:25:07,455 --> 02:25:10,413
Ипполит Матвеевич, дорогой!

967
02:25:13,295 --> 02:25:15,013
Нашли?

968
02:25:19,855 --> 02:25:25,213
В том-то и дело, что нашел!
Киса, черти Вас раздери!

969
02:25:28,895 --> 02:25:34,094
Гениальная комбинация, блестяще
проведенная до конца. Античное приключение.

970
02:25:39,055 --> 02:25:44,288
Новый клуб железнодорожников знаете?
Наш стул там.

971
02:25:49,175 --> 02:25:51,928
Первый этаж, третье окно от угла.

972
02:25:52,855 --> 02:25:58,532
Сегодня ночью через это окошко
мы спокойно попадем в клуб.

973
02:26:08,815 --> 02:26:13,047
А пока, дорогуша, мы можем отдохнуть.
Считайте, что деньги у Вас в кармане.

974
02:26:17,415 --> 02:26:19,610
А между прочим, предводитель,
зачем Вам деньги?

975
02:26:19,855 --> 02:26:23,370
То есть как зачем?
Ерунда какая-то.

976
02:26:23,575 --> 02:26:26,487
Ну что Вы купите, Кисуля?
Ведь у Вас никакой фантазии.

977
02:26:27,535 --> 02:26:30,333
Нет, денег я Вам не дам.
Это баловство.

978
02:26:31,455 --> 02:26:36,654
Возьму я Вас к себе в секретари.
40 рублей в месяц, спецодежда, чаевые, а?

979
02:26:43,495 --> 02:26:49,286
Ну, я пошутил. Будут у Вас деньги,
будете крем-марго кушать,

980
02:26:51,255 --> 02:26:53,644
батистовые портянки носить.

981
02:26:58,535 --> 02:27:01,572
Заседание продолжается.

982
02:28:15,735 --> 02:28:19,091
Товарищ Бендер умер.

983
02:28:49,975 --> 02:28:51,886
Это та самая комната?

984
02:28:54,135 --> 02:28:58,094
А здесь находится тот самый суприз.

985
02:29:00,175 --> 02:29:03,008
Вот он стул, про который я вам говорил.

986
02:29:05,655 --> 02:29:11,287
Служил я в старом клубе сторожем,
а завхоз возьми и купи этот стул.

987
02:29:14,415 --> 02:29:19,443
Встал я на него однажды плакат
приколачивать, а обивка лопнула.

988
02:29:21,775 --> 02:29:25,688
Оказалось, в этом стуле буржуями были
спрятаны драгоценности.

989
02:29:26,055 --> 02:29:28,888
- Не может быть!
- Может, может.

990
02:29:29,815 --> 02:29:33,330
Вот на те драгоценности и построили
этот новый клуб.

991
02:29:35,495 --> 02:29:40,250
А мне премию отвалили - 50 целковых.
Вот, костюм справил.

992
02:29:57,215 --> 02:30:02,084
Не может быть, не может быть!

993
02:32:18,455 --> 02:32:23,575
Заседание считаю закрытым,
спасибо за внимание!