An Urgent Government Announcement
Prime monster Horace Ronson had only recently replaced Ms Freezer Clay who, like her name was terrifyingly cold, and like clay was impervious to almost anything and everything. Due to her decline in popularity within the Gory party and with the general public, it was decided that a new leader urgently needed to be elected. Her batteries had started to run out, and it was decided by those concerned, that it was best that they not be recharged. The winner of the internal election, Mr Horace Ronson, also won the general election unanimously. Ms Clay was reduced to selling 'GO HOME' and 'SAVE MONEY - EAT THE DISABLED' t-shirts in the Common's foyer.
Ronson's early tenure in charge at number 10 Clowning Street had started well. He had managed to keep the public amused by wearing red noses of various shapes and sizes, performing animal-shaped balloon tricks whilst standing on his head, riding his tiny uni cycle around the streets of London and pouring iced water down his suit trousers at prime monster's question time. Lately however, his popularity had waned, partly perhaps because of the government's 'Stay Home or Else!' slogan. He had recently caught the virus himself, and had almost single-handedly wrestled it into submission and was somewhat depleted from the struggle.
He approached the stand in a somewhat sombre mood, his face as gormless as a bloodhound.
“Good afternoon everyone.” “In Cnovid 19 today we face a threat like never before. An invisible enemy that we need to stay one step ahead of, to out manoeuvre, outguess and confuse. I have therefore decided, after great deliberation and with not a little trepidation, that the best way forward is to re-order the days of the week as follows:
Monday will now take place on Friday Friday will take place of Monday Tuesday will take place on Thursday Thursday will take place on Tuesday Wednesday will take place on Saturday Saturday will take place on Wednesday Sunday will remain the same, for now.
“Rest assured, we will not rest until every molecule of this dreaded virus has been defeated. With this in view, we will be reordering the days of the week, weekly. This will come into effect on the 7th of May. Now, if there are any questions?: “Yes. Robert.”
“Robert Crumb, Daily Scum” “Prime monster, isn't there a chance that the public may become confused by this latest directive.”
“I'm glad you asked that question Robert.” “I think that you are under estimating the world renowned common-sense of the Brutish people.” It's a simple directive that anyone will be able to understand. The answer sucked Mr Crum back into his shell like a hermit crab. “ Any more questions before I move on?”
"Yes, who is it? Ah, yes, um, it's you Peter.” “Yes, thank you prime monster.” “Peter Hart, Daily Hellograph." “Prime monster, you say that these changes will begin on the 7th of May which happens to be a Monday, but under the new system that will be a Friday.” “Will it therefore take effect on a Friday or a Monday.” “Yes, um, aah, yes Peter, firstly thank you for that question. Over the weekend, we will be holding cabinet meetings on that very subject, and we will be able to give you a definitive answer by by early next week.”
Hart was bamboozled by this answer, but decided not to press it. After all, maybe he'd missed something.
“Now, if there are no more questions? “No.” “Fine then, let's move on.”
“As of tomorrow, it will be compulsory to wear a face mask in public. That means on the street and in any type of establishment. I know that you, the Brutish people value your freedoms, but we cannot, will not hesitate in using the full force of the law if it is disregarded. We need, as a nation, to do everything within our power to defeat this implacable enemy.” “Now I know that some people may have some physical issues, for example with breathing. To this I say, we are investing £300 million pounds in installing breathing stations in every petrol station throughout the UK. This ambitious project will be the envy of the whole world, and will be ready by early 2025.”
“ Are there any questions?”
“Yes, you, over there.”
“Thank you prime monster.” “Peter Samuels, The Daily Fail.”
“Prime monster, the government and its scientist have been saying for months, that there is no evidence whatsoever to support that wearing face masks prevents the spread of Cnovid 19.” “Why has the government's stance suddenly changed, seemingly overnight?” “Can I also ask how members of the public with breathing difficulties are going to cope for the next 4 years til 2025, until the government's breathing stations are installed.” “Sorry, that's two questions.”
“Yes, Peter, and thank you." You have raised some truly important issues.” I will answer your first question first. Firstly, there has been unprecedented, overwhelming and surging tidal wave of new evidence, that wearing face masks is effective in stopping the spread of the virus, which cannot be ignored “As for your second question, I can say this.” “Hands, face and space.” “I think that you will find that this answer satisfies your second question.”
“If there are no more questions?”
The journalists sat silently dumbfounded, scratching their heads in response to the last answer that Ronson had given them. He had once again, through his stunningly imaginative grandiosity and evasiveness outmanoeuvred them all, and was ready to beat a hasty retreat.
“Thank you gentlemen.”
He left the arena purposefully with a dark pink folder under his armpit, looking in so far as possible, as someone who knew what he was doing.
(©) Richard Brown 09. 08. 2020